Plotline Parodies
by The Dawn Is Breaking
Summary: What readers don't need is another story with unoriginal characters & cliched plots. What the Twilight characters don't need is a fan popping up in their world and ruining the story and their lives. From the author of "The Crappy Twilight Cliches Show".
1. Chapter 1: Really Crap Truth or Dare

**Hey guys! I have decided to post this early as I honestly can't wait until "The Crappy Twilight Cliches Show" finish (like some other people). If you liked 'The Crappy Twilight Clichés Show', then you'll probably like this one. Enjoy, and please read and review!**

**Disclaimer: Unlike Stephenie Meyer, I'm not a Mormon, am not married, but I do have conversations with Edward. Oh, and I don't own Twilight.**

Plot No. 1 – (Really Crap) Truth or Dare

_Setting – The living room in the Cullen House_

_Time – Early Morning, Saturday_

Alice: -flies down the staircase at vampire speed- Oooooh I know what we should do today!!!

Edward: -groans- Alice, not again!

Alice: -pouts- Yes again Eddie-puss!!! Truth or Dare time!!!

Edward: But we played that yesterday. And the day before. And last week.

Alice: I don't care. Who wants to go first?

Emmett: -jumps up and down- Ooh, pick me, pick me!!!

Alice: -grins evilly- If you say so…Emmett, truth or dare?

Emmett: What?! No no, that's not what I mean an-

Rosalie: Are you chickening out Emmett?

Emmett: No no, bu-

Alice: Then truth or dare?

Emmett: Fine, dare! I'm not going to chicken out…

Alice: -claps hands- Okay then!!! –Runs to kitchen and back with a bottle of apple sauce in her hand- Drink this!

Emmett: -Clutches head- Holy God, you're kidding me, aren't you?! –Falls and squirms retardedly on the floor- Noooooo, anything but that –jabs finger at the bottle-!!! Anything!!! Aaaaaaaaargh!!!

Bella: Just drink the damn thing, will you?! It isn't that bad, trust me.

Emmett: -whimpers- But it's a bottle of apple sauce…I hate apple sauce…and I'm going to throw that up later…which is painful…

Rosalie: Drink it, or I won't let you touch me for an eternity!!!

Emmett: -huffs- Fine then, everyone seems to hate me!!! –Opens lid and starts sucking the bottle-

-'The Dawn Is Breaking' suddenly pops into the Cullen living room behind Emmett-

TDIB: -pulls up Emmett's underpants- WEDGIE!!! –Runs towards Edward's piano-

Emmett: -accidentally squirts apple sauce on his face- AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!

-All the Cullen kids and Bella turn towards the piano, where TDIB is playing "Heart and Soul"-

TDIB: -grins spastically- Hi guys!!!

Edward: -Walks towards TDIB- Who are you, what are you doing here, and why are you on my freaking piano?

TDIB: -smiles innocently while playing 'Chopsticks'- It's a Steinway Concert Grand, Edward…I always wanted to have a Steinway Concert Grand…-sigh-

Edward: Fine then. Who are you?

TDIB: -plays first few bars of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony- I am the all-knowing God, and I know each and everyone of you!!! Especially you, Bella!!! –Points at Bella- YOU!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! –Bangs on piano dramatically-

Edward: -reads TDIB's mind- Um, why would 'God' –makes little quotation marks- call herself 'The Dawn Is Breaking'? Honestly, I could find better names in a La Push toilet filled with werewolf diarrhoea crap.

TDIB: Because I am the all-knowing God who just gave Emmy-poo over there a wedgie. Okay?!

Emmett: -shouting- YOU GAVE ME A FUCKING WEDGIE?! THANKS TO YOU, NOW I HAVE APPLE-FLAVOURED SHIT ALL OVER MY AWESOME FACE!!! –Wipes apple sauce off his face with his sleeve-

TDIB: -bows- You're welcome! Oh yeah, and by the wa- -Is interrupted by Emmett throwing up regurgitated apple puree onto the carpet-

Alice: Oooh…Esme is not going to be happy about that…

Rosalie: -with a disgusted look- Eww! Emmett, the toilet was invented for a reason!!!

Emmett: -is too busy throwing up mushed apple-

TDIB: Anyway… (To Edward) Bite me, Edward!!! Bite me!!! I want to be a vampire as well!!!

Edward: -screaming- WHY DOES EVERYONE SAY THAT?!

TDIB: BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT PERFECT SELF-CONTROL!!! –Thrusts wrist at Edward- NOW BITE ME!!!

Edward: NO!

TDIB: YES!

Edward: NO!

TDIB: YES!

Edward: NO!

TDIB: YES!

Edward: GET LOST!

TDIB: NOT UNTIL YOU BITE ME!

Bella: Wait… (To TDIB) Why _are _you here anyway?

TDIB: (To Bella) Because I can! Besides, daily Truth and Dare is actually starting to become really boring and unoriginal. I swear, play something else for a change!

Bella: Hey! It's not my fault! I really want to play Monopoly for once, but Alice –jerks thumb towards the hyper pixie- insists on a Truth and Dare marathon.

Alice: Oh, blame everything on me, the vertically-challenged psychic, huh?! You're just jealous because you can't come up with awesome ideas like I could!

Jasper: Alice love…I like the idea, but…maybe we should do something else for a change an-

Alice: -screams- OH JAZZY! NOT YOU AS WELL!!! –Dry sob- WHY IS EVERYONE AGAINST ME?!

Emmett: -starts singing 'Welcome to my Life' by Simple Plan-

Alice: SHUT UP, EMMETT! I DON'T NEED YOUR SYMPATHY!!! AND YOUR SINGING SUCKS!!!

TDIB: -chuckles evilly- Disrupted a game of Truth and Dare? Check. Gave someone a breakdown? Check. Edward changed me into a vampire? Hmmm…working on that. Mission almost accomplished. –Disappears from the Cullen House-

Emmett: -looks around- Hey…where did that bitch go?

**Like it? Hate it? Please review and tell me what you think!**

**Next Chapter - IM Messaging!**


	2. Chapter 2: IM Messaging

**Hi again! Yep, the second chappie is out, so I hope you enjoy this one!!! Thanks to all you reviewers out there!! You are awesome!!!**

**Warning: The following chapter is rated T. It contains lots of chatspeak, a cliched storyline, and Emmett killing off his computer. You have been warned.**

**Disclaimer: So where in the Twilight Series did it say that it was owned by "The Dawn Is Breaking"?**

Plot No.2 – IM Messaging

_Time – 8 pm, Monday_

_Setting – Charlie's house_

Bella: -turns on new laptop from the Cullens- God I'm bored. Let's see who's on IM now.

**DangerMagnetism has signed in**

**SickMasochisticLion has signed in**

**DangerMagnetism**: Hey Edward!

**SickMasochisticLion**: Hi Bella! I'll be right over soon, so…don't trip over, okay angel dear?

**DangerMagnetism**: Too late –blush-…

**SickMasochisticLion**: Silly Bella…

**ShortShopaholic has signed in**

**ShortShopaholic**: BELLA!!! DON'T 4GET OUR SHOPPIN TRIP AFTER SKOOL, OK?!

**DangerMagnetism**: Alice, we already went shopping today! Besides, why are you writing in caps?

**ShortShopaholic**: I DONT NOE!!! OH W8… Haha, accidently turned on Caps Lock…lol

**DangerMagnetism**: Lol…

**SickMasochisticLion**: Lol…

**SexyBear1916 has signed in**

**SexyBear1916**: Roflmao!!!

**SickMasochisticLion**: Emmett, do you even know what we were talking about?

**SexyBear1916**: Yeah!!! About the time Jasper & I nicked Alices & Roses entire wardrobe, chucked them in2 La Push Territory, & blamed it on Eddie-kinz!

**ArentIBeautiful has just signed in.**

**ArentIBeautiful**: Wat?! …So it was U!!!

**ShortShopaholic**: -gasp- How could u?! Tat was a Chanel skirt u ruined! CHANEL!!!

**ArentIBeautiful**: Yeah, & thnx 2 u guys, me & Alice egged Eddie's car!

**SickMasochisticLion**: What?! YOU egged my CAR?!

**JazzMan has signed in**

**JazzMan**: So…wat did I miss?

**ShortShopaholic**: Jasper! How could u?! U destroyd my Chanel skirt! –sobs-

**JazzMan**: Emmett!!! Y did u tell them?!

**BiteMeEdward has signed in**

**BiteMeEdward**: Hey everyone!!!

**DangerMagnetism**: Um…who are you?

**ShortShopaholic**: Bella, there r such things as chtspk…

**BiteMeEdward**: Do what the name says, Edward…do what the name says…

**SickMasochisticLion**: Not until you tell me your identity

**BiteMeEdward**: Hey Alice! Still do truth and dare?

**ShortShopaholic**: -gasp- Ur tat bitch tat gave me a breakdown!!!

**SexyBear1916**: & ur ze 1 who gave me a wedgie!!! Ill kill u!!!

**SexyBear1916 has signed off**

**ArentIBeautiful**: God Emmetts such an idiot! He just bashed his comp…lol…

**DangerMagnetism**: Lol…

**SickMasochisticLion**: Lol…

**ShortShopaholic**: Lol…

**JazzMan**: Lol…

**BiteMeEdward**: ROFLMAO!!!

**DangerMagnetism**: God what are you?! Emmett's stalker?!

**BiteMeEdward**: Nope, Edward's stalker! Now bite me Edward!!! BITE ME!!!

**SickMasochisticLion**: That's it! I'm off! Bella, I'll come over in 5 mins, okay?

**DangerMagnetism**: Okay, Edward dear. Bye!

**SickMasochisticLion has signed off.**

**BiteMeEdward**: …So…

**ShortShopaholic**: Ok, remembr Bella, tmr were goin 2 Port Angeles 4 some more shoppin!!! Yay!!!

**DangerMagnetism**: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WITH YOU AND SHOPPING?!

**ShortShopaholic**: Shoppin is fun! Shop, shop, shop, shop, shop, shop, shop, shop…

**BiteMeEdward**: Yeah, whatever…

**ShortShopaholic**: AHHH!!! WAT ZE HELL?! ZE FUTURE HAS GONE BLANK!!! & I CAN'T C WATS GOIN ON PORT ANGELES!!! AHHH!!!

**ShortShopaholic has signed off.**

**DangerMagnetism**: Okay, what the hell is going on?

**JazzMan**: Erm, Alice is runnin around, Edward has just refused 2 let her go shoppin with u, so now shes crazy…I think Ill comfort her now…

**JazzMan has signed off.**

**DangerMagnetism**: No really, what is going on?!

**BiteMeEdward**: Well, I kinda rang Jacob just then to come with you guys to Port Angeles for shopping tomorrow. I hate shopping as well, so I thought that, with Edward's over-protectiveness, and Alice's melodrama, not only would I save you from Hell, but also that Alice, and possibly Jasper, would go off IM. I hate it when you guys go on IM…

**DangerMagnetism**: Um…thanks? Who are you, and what's your problem with us playing truth or dare and chatting on IM?

**ArentIBeautiful has signed off.**

**BiteMeEdward**: I would tell you, but I think I've got a good feeling why Rosalie just signed off.

**DangerMagnetism**: NO! SHE WOULDN'T TELL ALICE ABOUT JACOB!!!

**BiteMeEdward**: Yeah…

**DangerMagnetism**: Oh, Edward's here. Bye!

**BiteMeEdward**: Bye!

**DangerMagnetism** **has signed off.**

**BiteMeEdward**: Sweet! Another potentially shithouse plot ruined...hehe…

**BiteMeEdward has just signed off.**

**So...hit or miss?**


	3. Chapter 3: Christmas With The Cullens

**Hello! Yep, being in the spirit of Christmas, I've quickly wrote this special Xmas chappie for you guys! Hope you enjoy it!**

**Disclaimer: Dear Santa. I want to be Stephenie Meyer. Or at least a vampire.**

Plot No.3 – Christmas with the Cullens

_Setting – The Living Room of the Cullen House_

_Time – 10 am_

Esme: -sings while dusting the whole house- _'Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la laa, la, la la la…_

Alice: -runs around the house with a gigantic Christmas tree- Here's the tree!!! –Places it next to Edward's piano-

Edward: Hey! The pine needles are going to drop into the strings, the branches are scratching the piano, and Emmett's going to fall onto the tree AND ruin my Steinway if he gets drunk on eggnog again!

Alice: Oh yeah? Well where else are we going to have the Christmas tree?

Edward: Next to the stairs! Duh…

Alice: -huffs- Fine…-Moves tree next to the stairs, before rushing back to the garage for the decorations-

Jasper: -walks down the stairs- Hey, where's Al- -Is interrupted by Alice running with boxes of decorations up the stairs-

Alice: Jazzy! Could you help me decorate the stairs with all these decorations? –Dumps a large box near Jasper's feet-

Edward: -glances at box- Alice, are you sure the stairs won't collapse under the weight of those ornaments?

Alice: -sticks tongue out, before heaving ten boxes off the floor and start decorating the ten-foot Christmas tree with them-

Rosalie: -calls over the stair rails in a slutty, revealing Christmas top with a Santa hat- Where's my big horny teddy bear?

Edward: -tries not to look- Um, Emmett is in the kitchen trying to find the eggnog, but Esme hid them in the-

Emmett: -enters the living screaming- WHERE'S MY EGGNOG!!! I CAN'T SURVIVE WITHOUT EGGNOG!!! –Runs out of the house spastically-

TDIB: -appears behind Edward- Merry Christmas!!!

Edward: Shut up!

TDIB: -snorts- Oh that's nice…It's Christmas!!! Santa and baby Jesus wouldn't like that…-Wags eyebrows- Although you could turn me into a vampire to make them happy again…

Edward: Shut up!!!

TDIB: -sings to the tune of 'We Wish you a Merry Christmas'- _I wish you would have some eggnog. I wish you would have some eggnog. I wish you would vampirise me so I'll sparkle in the sun!_

Edward: GAH!!! –Stalks off towards the front door to Bella's house-

TDIB: -shrugs before disappearing-

Jasper: -holds Alice while she does the upper part of the tree- Um, sweetheart…are you sure we actually need to dress up as elves and Santa's little helpers. Because I'm content with just wearing plain red and green, you know…

Alice: -pouts- But I'm not, so there! –Claps- You'll look good as Rudolph!!!

Jasper: -mutters- Oh joy…

TDIB: -runs downstairs with a pile of soggy clothes and a half empty carton of eggnog- Er, Alice? I hate to tell you this, but I accidentally tripped…and split some eggnog onto these Christmassy costumes…

Alice: -screeches- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! THE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS!!! RUINED!!! –Breaks down and dry sobs-

Jasper: Look what you've done! You should be ashamed of yourself!!! –Mouths to TDIB- Thanks…

Alice: -wails- That was suppose to be the highlight of the day, to parade in the costumes while we open up our ridiculously expensive presents under the tree…

TDIB: Um…look on the bright side, Alice…At least the clothes smell like Christmas…-Offers clothes to Alice- You want to smell it?

Alice: NO!!! –Attacks TDIB but she disappears-

Jasper:-comforts Alice- It's okay…we could manage without the elaborate Rudolph suits…

Alice: -sniffs- But…but…

Emmett: -comes barging in the room while sniffing the air- Something smells like…EGGNOG!!!

Alice: -sobs- Oh Emmett! The costumes are covered in eggnog! –Holds up clothes-

Emmett: Really?! Awesome!!! –Starts eating the clothes- Hmmm…eggnog-y goodness…

Alice: -screams- EMMETT!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE THOSE CLOTHES WERE?!

Emmett: -snorts- Yeah, and this is coming from the person who spends pretty much every second day maxing out on her credit cards…

-Meanwhile, somewhere upstairs…-

TDIB: -pour lots of eggnog down the stairs- Hehe…suckers…-Disappears-

Rosalie: -looks at herself in a handheld mirror while walking towards the stairs- Oh who's the prettiest person in the world? Yes you are, yes you are, yes you- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! –Slips on the eggnog and falls down the stairs-

Alice: -starts laughing- Rose…you…you…HA!!!

Rosalie: -looks at her porno suit- NO! MY DRESS!!! RUINED!!!

Emmett: -gasps- It's EGGNOG!!! –Starts licking Rosalie's suit-

Alice: -looks other way- Um…Awkward much?

Jasper: Hmmm…-starts sending out waves of lust towards Emmett-

Emmett: -groans- Oh Rose…-tries to take Rose's suit off-

Alice: EMMETT!!! GO TO YOUR ROOM!!!

Emmett: Yes sir!!! –Runs up the stairs with Rose in his arms, but is distracted by the eggnog on the stairs-

Rosalie: -angrily- Emmett!!!

Emmett: -is too busy licking the eggnog off the stairs-

Alice: -filming Emmett and Rosalie- Hehe…the subscribers for our YouTube channel will love this…

-Meanwhile, somewhere on the rooftop-

TDIB: -cuts the electric lights, which falls down and shorts out the light up reindeer on the ground- Hmmm…Christmas with the Cullens…Steven Spielberg should make a movie out of it…

Bella: -after getting out of the car- Um…I don't think that reindeer is work- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! –Gets buried under three feet of snow from the rooftops-

Edward: BELLA!!! –Starts brushing snow off her-

TDIB: -on the building with a shovel- Hey Edward!!! –Throws snowballs at Edward-

Edward: -growls- That's. IT!!!

TDIB: Chaos. Confusion. Destruction. My work here is done. –Disappears-

**Yeah, I didn't really know how to end this, so yeah...**

**Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and I hope that your cranberry sauce and eggnog never run out!**

**Next up: Edward Leaves Bella!**


	4. Chapter 4: Part 1 Edward Leaves Bella

**Hi again! Okay, this chappie is the first of a three-part story. At first, chapters 4 to 6 was suppose to be just one chappie, but it was just too long, so I had to divide it. Part 2 will be "Victoria Changes Bella, while Part 3 is "Bella goes to Volturi/becomes a singer". Hope you enjoy Part One of this spin on a crappy plot!**

**Disclaimer: Please refer to the previous chapter for the disclaimer.**

Plot No.4 – Edward leaves

_Time: 3pm, Saturday_

_Setting: The forest at the back of Charlie's house_

Edward: Bella, we're leaving.

Bella: Oh…I love you…

Edward: -without emotion- Well…you're a fucking bitch who is not worth crying over! I hate the fact that I have to save you every single day, and hearing Mike thinking about raping you in your sleep is pissing me off, which is the reason why I'm in your stinking bedroom every freaking night! –Pants-

Bella: -close to tears- So…you don't love me?

TDIB: -appears on a tree branch above them- He's lying, Bella! LYYYYYYYYYYYYYYING!!!

Edward: -looks up- WHAT?! YOU AGAIN!! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR FREAKING PROBLEM?!

TDIB: -shouts- EDWARD!!! BITE ME!!! BITE ME!!!

Edward: -climbs on tree branch- SHUT UP OR I'LL KILL YOU!!!

TDIB: -after being momentarily dazzled- Um…BELLA!!! HE'S LYING, BELLA! HE'S L- Disappears when Edward tries to punch her-

Edward: -jumps off tree- So where were we…

TDIB: -appears next to Bella- You were talking about CHEESE!!!

Bella: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND CHEESE?!

TDIB: Cheese is AWESOME! Do you know there are different types of cheese? There's cheddar, parmesan, mozzarella, blue cheese, Swiss cheese, feta, brie, camem-something…

Edward: Can you shut up with the cheese?!

TDIB: Not unless you bite me!

Edward: -after lunging at TDIB (who disappeared)- Okay, so Bella, I don't give a damn about y-

TDIB: -reappears next to Edward- Gouda, Edam, cottage cheese, cream cheese, Kraft Singles...

Edward: -after unsuccessfully trying to kill TDIB- So yeah…Bella…I hate y-

TDIB: -reappears again- You know Edward…it's not gonna work…

Edward: Yes it will! –Lunges at TDIB, who escapes again-

TDIB: -pops back into the world- Don't kid yourself Edward…when you're gone, she's gonna be all depressed and suicidal, you're gonna be all depressed and suicidal, your family's gonna be all depressed and suicidal, and, when you come back, some random werewolf is gonna mouth rape her soon.

Bella: -looks confused- What? Werewolf? Mouth rape?

TDIB: Don't go Edward…you're gonna come back anyway, and in that space of time, she would've met a werewolf, gone motorbike riding, and almost drowned after cliff-diving.

Bella: -looks even more confused- What? Really?

Edward: And how would you know all this?

TDIB: -shrugs- I'm God…

Edward: YOU ARE NOT FREAKING GOD!!! –Pounces on TDIB, who disappears- Okay, so where were we…Oh yes, I don't care about you anymore! You hear me?! I DON'T CARE!!! –Runs off-

Bella: -sniffs- Oh why…WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME?! –Falls on floor and started wailing-

TDIB: -suddenly appears next to her- Don't worry, he'll come back in about a few months time. Trust me.

Bella: -looks up- Re-re-really? How do you know that?

TDIB: -grins- I told you, I'm God…

Bella: If you're God, then can you make Edward come back and fall in love with me again?

TDIB: -smiles- Why should I? He already loves y- -Disappears again after Edward ran back and tried to kill TDIB-

Bella: -whimpers- Edward?

Edward: …Fuck you. –Runs off-

Bella: -sniffs- …Awww…

TDIB: -appears and tries to go after Edward- Come back Edward!!! COME BACK!!! FOR THE SAKE OF THE TWILIGHT FANDOM AND FANFICTION READERS, COME BACK!!! EDWARD, GOD ORDERS YOU TO COME BACK!!!

**Haha, yeah...**

**Remember when I said that I'll announce the beta in this chapter? ...Me neither, but if I did, then sorry, but I still haven't decided yet -___-'. Sorry!**

**Stay tuned for Part Two of this suckish plot!!!**

**Next Up: Part Two (Victoria Changes Bella)**


	5. Chapter 5: Part 2 Victoria Changes Bella

**Hi again! Um, sorry for the long delay (I was getting ready for my next school year, had holiday tutoring AND was writing up the last chappie of 'The Crappy Twilight Clichés Show'), but nevertheless, I've finally posted this up. Enjoy Part 2 of this three-part series!!!**

**Disclaimer: I would be Stephenie Meyer, but Edward wouldn't let me…**

Plot No.5 – Victoria Changes Bella

_Previously…_

Bella: -whimpers- Edward?

Edward: …Fuck you. –Runs off-

Bella: -sniffs- …Awww…

TDIB: -appears and tries to go after Edward- Come back Edward!!! COME BACK!!! FOR THE SAKE OF THE TWILIGHT FANDOM AND FANFICTION READERS, COME BACK!!! EDWARD, GOD ORDERS YOU TO COME BACK!!!

-Two months later-

_Time: 11 am, Sunday_

_Setting: The woods near the (now abandoned) Cullen Mansion_

Bella: -trips over while crying- Edward…Edward…-sigh-…he's not really going to come back and fall in love with me…-sniffs-…

Victoria: -runs up to Bella and smiles evilly-

Bella: -tries to concentrate- Hmmm…you look familiar…

Victoria: -grins- Yeah, I should, actually, I should…

Bella: Are you…James' mate…?

Victoria: -nods- Very good…and what was her name?

Bella: -looks confused- Um…Laurent?

Victoria: -with a WTF look- NO! LAURENT'S A GUY!!!

Bella: Oh…I thought Laurent's a girl's name, hang on…it starts with V…

TDIB: -suddenly appears above them on a tree branch- Veronica?

Victoria: -looks above her- Who the fuck are you?!

TDIB: -grins- God…

Victoria: -with a sceptical look- Um, I was under the impression that God is an old guy…

TDIB: You sexist bitch! Just because the majority of the leaders in the world have the Y chromosome, and that we are kinda brought up in a Patriarchal society that is slowly diminishing since the 1970s, it does not mean that God has to take up a male incarnation, okay?!

Victoria: -with a lost look-

Bella: Um…Valencia?

TDIB: Hey Bella! –Jumps down from the tree- Do you want to go to Seattle for some book shopping? I need to get meself some books for the holiday reading…and no, I'm not going to buy another copy of the Bible, the Koran, or the Torah, okay?! I've heard that joke way too many times…

Bella: -shrugs- Yeah sure, why not…

Victoria: Not so fast!

-Bella and TDIB turns around-

Victoria: -evil sneer- I came to you for a reason Bella. Your mate killed off my mate, so it's only right that I avenge him by doing something bad to you…

TDIB: -yawns- Some villain _you_ are, Victoria. First, you tell your victim what you're going to do. You just lost that element of surprise, and she might survive the ordeal and tell someone else, or something like that, which wouldn't be too good for you. Secondly, why the hell are you targeting a human?! I understand the whole concept of revenge and blah, but honestly, if I was you, I would be targeting Edward instead because _he_, not Bella, killed James. Besides, are you only killing Bella because you're too weak to actually finish off a _vegetarian _vampire?

Victoria: GAAAAH!!! –Pounces towards TDIB, but she disappears just in time-

Bella: NOOOOOOOO!!! GOD!!!

Victoria: You gullible little child…God can't help you now…

TDIB: -appears behind Victoria- But I can try…

Bella: YAY!!! GOD!!!

Victoria: -rolls eyes- Oh shut up! –Bites Bella-

Bella: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! –Rolls on floor in agony-

TDIB: -swore to herself- Oh no! I've failed!!! –Tries to get to Bella but is constantly blocked off by Victoria-

Victoria: MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! NOW THE VENOM HAS SPREAD TOO FAR TO SUCK IT OUT!!! MY WORK HERE IS DONE!!! –Runs off-

Bella: -still screams- AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I'M SORRY GOD!!! GET ME OUT OF HELL!!! FORGIVE ME PLEASE!!! I BELIEVE IN YOU NOW!!! I'LL READ THE BIBLE EVERYDAY!!! I'LL GO TO CHURCH ON SUNDAYS!!! I'LL EVEN GIVE DONATIONS TO HILLSONG EVEN IF THEY'RE RIPPING ME OFF!!! ANYTHING TO STOP THIS PAIN!!! ANYTHING!!!

TDIB: -with a look of remorse- I'm sorry Bella…I can't do anything now…-disappears-

Bella: -screams- YOU CALL YOURSELF GOD?!

**Yeah, I just realised that I use a lot of caps…yeah…**

**Okay, after much delaying, and a lot of heart-breaking elimination, I have found myself a beta for "OMC!!! The Principal is a Vampire!!!" And it is…-Drum Roll-…**

**TEAM VAMPIRE!!!**

**Congratulations, and for those who were not chosen, please don't be too disappointed. It was hard crossing out betas on my list, but I do have to be picky about my beta. SORRY!!! (Don't kill me…)**

**Up next: Bella Goes to the Volturi and Becomes a Famous Singer!**


	6. Chapter 6: Part 3 Volturi Singer Bella

**Hi again! I was feeling bored today, so I decided to update this story :) Hope you enjoy the last part of the 3-Part series!!!**

**Disclaimer: Je ne possède pas la Twilight série (It's French for 'I do not own the Twilight Series')**

Plot No. 6 – Bella joins the Volturi/becomes a famous singer

_Previously…_

TDIB: -swore to herself- Oh no! I've failed!!! –Tries to get to Bella but is constantly blocked off by Victoria-

Victoria: MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! NOW THE VENOM HAS SPREAD TOO FAR TO SUCK IT OUT!!! MY WORK HERE IS DONE!!! –Runs off-

Bella: -still screams- AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I'M SORRY GOD!!! GET ME OUT OF HELL!!! FORGIVE ME PLEASE!!! I BELIEVE IN YOU NOW!!! I'LL READ THE BIBLE EVERYDAY!!! I'LL GO TO CHURCH ON SUNDAYS!!! I'LL EVEN GIVE DONATIONS TO HILLSONG EVEN IF THEY'RE RIPPING ME OFF!!! ANYTHING TO STOP THIS PAIN!!! ANYTHING!!!

TDIB: -with a look of remorse- I'm sorry Bella…I can't do anything now…-disappears-

Bella: -screams- YOU CALL YOURSELF GOD?!

-Three days later-

_Time: Wednesday, 11 am_

_Setting: Same place (The woods near the abandoned Cullen House)_

Bella: -wakes up from the pain- Argh…-Holds up arm- Ooooh…I sparkle in the sun…-Runs quickly to the nearby river- I have super speed…-Looks at her reflection- I look hot now…hehehe…but my throat hurts…

TDIB: -suddenly appears next to Bella- Heya! You look good as a vampire!

Bella: -smells TDIB's scent- Hmmm…blood…-drools-

TDIB: Here! –Points to nearby mountain lion- Drink it!

Bella: -sniffs air- Well…you smell better…more…human…

TDIB: -groans- That's it! You. Drink. Mountain. Lion. When you finish drinking that lion, I'll come back. Bye bye! –Disappears-

Bella: Come back, come back!!! –Pounces on mountain lion and drinks the blood-

-Few minutes later-

TDIB: -appears in front of Bella- Hello again! How- -Stares at what Bella's holding- Are you trying to bite _Mike_?!

Bella: -shakes head- No…

Mike: -stares at Bella- Ah…so sexy…and hot…-drools-

TDIB: Put. Him. Down. Now! Do you want his blood in you for the rest of eternity?!

Bella: -looks at Mike- Not really…-Drops Mike onto the floor-

Mike: -kneels in front of Bella- Hot sexy chick…will you marry me?

Bella: -looks disgusted- Ew! No! –Pushes him away-

TDIB: -grins- Wait! I always wanted to do this! –Goes up to Mike and kicks him in the balls-

Mike: -doubles over in pain- Ooof…Mike…Junior…

Bella: Um…if you're God, aren't you supposed to be all compassionate and blah?

TDIB: Just because I'm God does not mean I love every single person in the world, okay?!

Mike: -whimpers- Wait…you don't love me?

TDIB: …Okay, let's get out of here! –Both she and Bella runs off-

Mike: -still in pain- Where's that hot sexy chick?!

-Five minutes of intense running/reappearing later-

Bella: You know what…I could read minds!

TDIB: Really? –Tries to block her thoughts-

Bella: Yeah, I just read Mike's…and your's is a bit…um…Why are you singing Banana Phone in your head?

TDIB: Because it's addictive! –Sings- Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring…Banana Phone! Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring …BANANA PHOOOOOOOONE!!! What is this feeling…so appealing…For us to get together and sing…SING!!

Bella: Right…you're not God.

TDIB: -screeches- WHAT?! OH YE OF LITTLE FAITH WHO DOUBT ME!!! JUST BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A FREAKING BEARD WHEN I'M LIKE THIS IT DOES NOT MEAN I'M NOT GOD!!! –Pants- Have you ever watched "Joan of Arcadia"?

Bella: Dude, you're not God! I just read your mind. You are some teenage girl who is obsessed with this book called "Twilight". You somehow managed to come to this world and disappear from it. I don't know how you know stuff about us, but you are definitely not God!

TDIB: Oh yeah? Do you have any other plausible explanation about why I know some stuff that you don't?

Bella: -dry sobs- You're probably just lying about Edward loving me! I mean, insensitive much?!

TDIB: You don't believe me?! Fine! –Smirks- You don't get my help then. I'll just abandon you like Edward did and leave you all alone…

Bella: Fine then!

-TDIB disappears-

Bella: -sings to Akon's 'Lonely'- So lonely…I'm so lonely…I have nobody…To call my own…-sigh-

-After a whole day of pondering…-

Bella: Oooh! I should go to the Volturi! Maybe they'll let me join! -Suddenly blanks out- I'm psychic as well! –Blanks out again- Um…the price of oil is going down…Bush got a shoe thrown at him in Iraq…Aro's going to accept me…I'm going to like the job…-shrugs- Meh, what the hell…

TDIB: -suddenly appears again- BELLA! DON'T GO TO THE VOLTURI!!! THEY'RE EVIL!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEVILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!

Bella: Shut up! Just SHUT UP!!! You've lied to me before, and you don't have any evidence to back that up! Now let me go!

TDIB: Bella! No! Go to the Denali Sisters! Wander around the Amazon! Move to Antarctica for heaven's sake! Anywhere but Italy!!!

Bella: Fine then! I'll be like Hannah Montana and be a really famous singer! I have an awesome voice now, so people will like me!

TDIB: NO!! PLEASE NO!!! THE WORLD DOESN'T NEED ANOTHER PREPPY BITCH WHO CAN'T SING!!! –Sees Bella's angry face- Um…I didn't mean you…it's just that…I really hate Hannah Montana…

Bella: -pounces on TDIB, who then disappears just in time- Hmmm…I know! I'll be a Volturi member AND be a famous singer!

TDIB: -appears and kneels down- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Please don't!! PLEASE!!!

Bella: Get lost! I'm catching the next plane to Italy!!! And don't bother stopping me! I can see into the future! –Becomes invisible and runs off-

TDIB: -screeches- WHAT?! MIND-READING, PSYCHIC POWERS _AND_ INVISIBILITY?! WHAT?! –Disappears again and reappears in La Push-

Jacob: -walks up to TDIB- Yo whore! Whassup!

TDIB: -glares at Jacob- Your level of pain! –Kicks Jacob in the crotch-

Jacob: -doubles over- What have I ever done to you bitch?!

TDIB: Don't mind me, I just feel like kicking boys in their God given jewels…-walks off towards the beach-

Jacob: -morphs into a werewolf due to his temper-

Embry: -in Jacob's head- _Ooooh…that really hurts…_

Jacob: _It's nice that you know…_

-Meanwhile…-

TDIB: -calls Edward on her mobile- Edward, Bella's gone to the Volturi to commit suicide.

Edward: -tries to control his voice- What? Who are you?

TDIB: My identity is not important, but I'll tell you now. Bella has just became a vampire a day ago when she was near your old mansion. She was planning to commit suicide because she thinks you don't love her, and just want to look at the building for the last time before dying. Victoria found her, changed her, and, seeing that she is a vampire now, Bella realised that the only way to kill herself was to go to the Volturi. She's on her way now. Well so much for keeping her safe Edward. If you don't believe me, ask Alice.

-Meanwhile, somewhere in a cellar in South America…-

Edward: Fine! I will! –Hangs up and calls Alice-

Alice: -picks up mobile- Thank God you rang! Bella's been changed into a vampire and is on her way to the Volturi! She nicked Mike's credit cards and is going on the next flight to Italy…which is in two hours time…

Edward: -urgently- Both of us get a plane ticket to Florence, and we'll meet each other there!

Alice: -types on her laptop- Done…

-Meanwhile, on a plane…-

TDIB: -sits next to Bella- I wouldn't really do this if I were you…

Bella: -glares at TDIB- Can you just piss off?! I know what I want, and that's to be a singer AND serve the Volturi. They seemed to be an awesome group…

-After a few hours, outside the airport…-

TDIB: Bella, don't do this, please…

Bella: Dude, you've been saying that twenty times in the past forty minutes. Do you know how annoying it is?

TDIB: Yeah, and I'll only stop if you don't go to the Volturi AND not sign up a contract deal with some schmancy recording studio…

Bella: -rubs temples- Can you also stop singing the Beer Song in your head?! It's killing me!!

TDIB: -smiles- How about…no. –Sings to herself- Oh what is that malted liquor, what makes you drunker quicker, what comes in bottles or in cans? BEER!

Bella: GAH! –Catches a taxi and does not let TDIB in-

TDIB: -reappears in the taxi next to Bella- Wow, you're nice…you know it's really hard to ditch me…

Bella: What are you, my stalker?!

TDIB: The word 'stalker' implies that I'm following you because I want to harass you, be it physically, verbally or sexually. Just think of me as your guardian angel, your God-sent guide to your life and your conscience or something.

Bella: Guardian Angel? GUARDIAN ANGEL?! This is coming from the person who pretended to be God and said that Edward loved me still! Of course he doesn't! He wouldn't!!!

TDIB: I was not lying about Edward! Honest!

Bella: Yeah right! You're cruel!!!

TDIB: -rolls eyes- Oh, for the love of God…-disappears-

Bella: Hmmm…that was easier than I'd thought…

-After twenty minutes-

Bella: -walks out of the taxi and blanks out- Hmmm…where to go now…hmmm…clock tower…alleyway…underground drain…-opens eyes to find TDIB in front of her- AH!

TDIB: -snorts- Honestly Bella, you don't really think a couple of words could stop me, do you?

Bella: What's your problem, bitch?! I want to be a Volturi singer! Is that so bad?!

TDIB: …Yes…yes it is…

Bella: Ugh…can you jus- -Stops talking, and starting reading someone's mind- Oh my God…is that…could that be…

TDIB: -grins- I think that's my cue to leave…-Disappears-

Bella: -looks towards the two other vampires- Edward…Alice…

Edward: -runs towards her at a human pace- BELLA! DON'T!!!

Bella: Oh Edward…-sniffs- You don't love me, so why bother…

Edward: I LOVE YOU BELLA! I LOVE YOU!!! –Hugs and kisses her-

Bella: -buries head in Edward's chest- This is a dream, this is a dream…

Edward: -cradles head- No Bella…this is reality…

Alice: Bella?

Bella: Alice? Oh Alice!

Alice: Hey Bella! Do you want to live with us now, since you're a vampire? We're moving to Alaska, so do you want to come?

Bella: Yes please…

-The three vampires walk off towards a stolen yellow Porsche 911 Turbo-

TDIB: -reappears near the fountain of the town- Another potentially crappy story successfully diverted. –Looks around- Hey! This is supposed to be Italy! Where can I get some gelato?!

**Hehe, yeah...**

**'The Crappy Twilight Cliches Show' is going well! I'm going to divide the last chappie into four parts, as it's going to be uber-long, and I don't want any of you guys to a) fall asleep, b) not bother reading the whole thing because of its length, c) I don't want you guys be too overwhelmed by it, and d) because it would be easier for me. Hope you guys don't mind!!!**

**Next up: Emmett the Sex Fiend!**


	7. Chapter 7: Emmett the Sex Fiend

**Hi again! I feel bored, so I decided to update this story. Hope you enjoy this!!**

**Warning: The following story contains sexual references, randomness and really crap blonde jokes. Please don't sue me if you are easily scarred for life by the mentioning of Emmett's manhood. You have been warned.**

**Disclaimer: -Sigh- How many times had I said this? **

Plot No. 7 – Emmett the Sex Fiend

_Setting – The Cullen House_

_Time – 11am, Saturday_

Emmett: -sings in the shower- I like sex! Sex, sex, sex! Sex is great! Sex, sex, sex!

Edward: -calls out from downstairs- Emmett! Shut up! We can all hear you down here!!!

Emmett: -turns off shower- Edward, my prudish bro, unlike you, I actually have a healthy sex life.

Edward: -mutters to himself- Unfortunately for the rest of us…-wrinkles up nose-

Emmett: -calls out- Rosalie? Oh Rosalie…

Rosalie: -runs into the shower and sees Emmett in a towel- Well hello hot stuff. –Walks up to him and purrs- You know, you look better without the towel…

Emmett: -grins- I know I do…Let's demonstrate to the 107-year-old virgin how the experts do it…

-Meanwhile, downstairs…-

Edward: -swears- HOLY GOD! THAT'S JUST SICK!!! –Runs out to Bella's house-

Jasper: -shudders- Oh God…OH GOD THE LUST!!! –Carries Alice to their bedroom and locks the doors-

-Back upstairs…-

TDIB: -appears in the Cullen's bathroom- Hey sorry, I just need to- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! SHIT!!!

Rosalie: -quickly drapes herself with a towel- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

Emmett: -covers his thing with his hands- NO! My daily 11 o'clock sex!!!

TDIB: -still screaming- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!! I'VE BEEN MENTALLY SCARRED FOR LIFE!!! HOLY GOD PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME!!!

Alice: -comes in giggling with Jasper- Hehe, that was hilarious!!!

Esme: -runs up to the bathroom- I heard something and- OH MY!

TDIB: -murmurs to herself- So that's what a penis looks like in real life…-shudders-

Rosalie: -gasps- You're telling me you never seen a penis in real life before?!

TDIB: Hey! I don't have sex in the bathroom on a daily basis, okay?!

Emmett: -grins- Then you're missing out on a lot in life, isn't that right, Rose?

TDIB: -mutters- I just want to use the bathroom…I was in the middle of nowhere, and I don't want to pee in the bushes…

Emmett: -whimpers- Rosy? I'm still horny…

Jasper: -feels Emmett's feelings and shudders- Me too, Alice…me too…

Edward: -runs in while carrying Bella from her house- What the hell is going o- OH MY GOD!!! EMMETT, PUT SOME PANTS ON!!! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!!!

Emmett: No Edward, _you_ should be ashamed. I mean, this thing here –pointing to his genitals- is probably bigger than y-

TDIB: -shouts- EMMETT!!! YOU'RE A SEX ADDICT!!!

-Awkward silence-

Bella: -slowly raises hand- I second that.

Edward: Me too.

Esme: I have to agree with them, Emmett. Sorry.

Emmett: -huffs- It's okay. It's not _my_ fault that I live with a bunch of prudes…

TDIB: -mutters to herself- Okay, I'm just gonna go now…-disappears-

Edward: Yeah, me too. I'll be at Bella's. –Runs out with Bella cradled in his arms-

Jasper: -glances at Alice- Um, both of us have some, erm, unfinished business to do…-backs out of the bathroom and runs upstairs-

Esme: Ah, can you two do it in your own bedroom? I'm sick of bleaching the bathroom…and the antique table…and Edward's piano…and his car…especially his Ashton Martin Vantage…

Rosalie: -sweetly- No problem. We'll just go to our bedroom now. –Darts off next door-

Esme: -smiles- Well, I'll just take out the bleach and gloves and clean this place…

-Meanwhile, next door…-

Emmett: -closes door- So…where were we…?

Rosalie: -giggles- Um…I think we were doing something very interesting…

Emmett: -grins- Oh that's right…-leans in to kiss Rosalie-

TDIB: -pops up between them- Hel- -Is cut off by Emmett kissing her in the mouth and making out with her-

Rosalie: -angrily- EMMETT!!!

Emmett: -looks up- Huh? –Looks down at TDIB and pushes her away- HOLY GOD!!! –Starts spitting out the human saliva-

TDIB: -spits onto the bed and wipes mouth- Ewww that's just gross…-looks up at Emmett- Although I have to admit, you are a good kisser…

Rosalie: -screams- BITCH!!! YOU KISSED MY HUSBAND!!!

TDIB: Hey! It was an accident, _Ho_-salie…

Rosalie: -narrows eyes- What did you just call me?

TDIB: -mutters to herself- Geez, I thought you have super-hearing. –Looks up at Rosalie- I kinda forgot…You know, short term memory…

Rosalie: Did you just call me _Ho-salie_?!

TDIB: -brightens up- Oh that's right! Yeah, I did, _Ho-salie_!

Rosalie: BITCH!!! –Tries to attack TDIB, but she disappears-

Emmett: -whimpers-…Um…sweetheart?

Rosalie: -twists Emmett's ear- I cannot believe it! YOU KISSED ANOTHER GIRL BESIDES ME!!! HOW COULD YOU?!

Emmett: Ow ow OW!!! I DIDN'T MEAN IT, I SWEAR!!!

Rosalie: Oh really?!

Emmett: -screams- YES, MY LITTLE ROSE BUD!!! THERE'S NO ONE IN THE WORLD THAT IS MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN YOU!!!

Rosalie: -steely whisper- I'm glad you know it Emmett…

TDIB: -suddenly appears behind Rosalie- Hey Ho-salie!

Rosalie: -walks towards TDIB- Today you die…

TDIB: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?

Rosalie: Shut up! –Tries to attack TDIB, but she disappears-

TDIB: -appears next to Emmett and holds his hands- "Oh look! Donut seeds!!!" –Throws a packet of condoms towards them- You guys better have safe sex! We wouldn't want another accident now, would we?

Rosalie: GAH!!! Don't you DARE hold his hands!!! –Attacks TDIB again, but misses-

Emmett: -rolling on the floor laughing- Haha! That was funny!! –Takes deep breath- Donut seeds…HA!!!

Rosalie: You IDIOT!!! –Slaps him in the face-

Emmett: -pleads- Look baby, I'm really sorry, but that _was_ funny…

Rosalie: I never had been so insulted in my life! How could you Emmett?

Emmett: -pleads- I'm sorry, but-

Rosalie: That's it! NO MORE SEX FOR THE REST OF THE MONTH!!

Emmett: -screeches- WHAT?!

Rosalie: You heard me! I can't believe you did this to me, I really cannot…

Emmett: But my little Rose Bud, I can't go on without you by my side in bed doing our special little dance an-

Rosalie: I said NO SEX! What part of "No sex" don't you understand?

Emmett: Um…the "no" bit?

Rosalie: Ugh! I'm not in the mood anymore…-Gets dressed and walks out of the room-

Emmett: -whimpers- Awww…

-Meanwhile, downstairs…-

Edward: -breathes a sigh of relief- Oh thank God…I don't have to endure anymore torture for the rest of the month…

**Hehe...okay then...**

**For those of you who didn't know, "You're Obsessed With Twilight Fanfiction When..." had just finished. I want to dedicate my spare time doing this story and "OMC!!! The Principal Is a Vampire!!!". I basically wouldn't have too much time on my hands as my school year will be too busy for my own good, so I'll warn you now - As soon as school starts for me, I'll probably update about once every two weeks or something like that. SORRY!**

**Next up - Bella Never Jumped Off that Cliff...**


	8. Chapter 8: Bella Never Jumped

**Hi again! Well, we kissed/kicked Bastard Bush out of the White House, said Aloha to Obama, and witness the Chief of Justice blundering through the oath (honestly, does the misplacement of the word 'faithfully' make any difference to the meaning?! Geez...)**

**Disclaimer: **

**Me: I would say I owned the Twilight Series, but I was too busy being preoccupied thinking up random titles to Bush's Memoirs (ask TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes if you want to know what titles I had come up with...mind you, they're lame...)**

**Edward: -shakes head- How is that even relevant to this disclaimer?**

**Me: ...Can we just get on with the damn story?!**

Plot No. 8 – Bella Never Jumped off that Cliff

(Remembered when Edward left Bella, and she got changed by Victoria? What happened when that never actually occurred, and she last for a couple more months before this happens…?)

_Previously (Okay, maybe not, but you get the point…)_

Bella: -whimpers- Edward?

Edward: …Fuck you. –Runs off-

Bella: -sniffs- …Awww…

TDIB: -appears and tries to go after Edward- Come back Edward!!! COME BACK!!! FOR THE SAKE OF THE TWILIGHT FANDOM AND FANFICTION READERS, COME BACK!!! EDWARD, GOD ORDERS YOU TO COME BACK!!!

-Five months later-

_Setting – La Push Beach_

_Time – 12:30 pm_

Bella: -looks down over the cliff's edge- So…this is it…

Edward's Voice: -urgently- _No Bella! Don't do this!!! You'll get killed, and I won't be there to save your day!!! –Mutters- And kill that mutt…_

Bella: -sadly- But you don't love me. You told me that five months ago…-sigh-

Edward's Voice: -whimpers- No, please, don't…

Bella: -takes deep breath- Well, here goes nothing…-Is just about to step over the cliff when Jacob runs towards her and butts her out of the way-

Jacob: -screams dramatically- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! BELLA DON'T JUMP!!! PLEASE!!! I'M BEGGING YOU!!!

Bella: Oh Jacob!!! –Hugs him and sobs on his naked chest- I don't know why I bothered living ever since Edward is gone –wails-.

Jacob: Well, I love you, that's why…

Bella: But why would you love me?

Jacob: -smiles sadly- Would this convince you why? –Moves in to kiss Bella-

TDIB: -appears between them- AAAAAAAARGH!!! DON'T YOU DARE KISS HER YOU STUPID FILTY FLEA COVERED MUTT!!! –Kicks him in the balls-

Jacob: -rolls over on the floor in pain- Ah! What the hell?!

Bella: Geez, he didn't really do anything bad, did he?

TDIB: -shakes head- You poor naïve little child! He was about to mouth rape you!

Jacob: -with a WTF look- Mouth rape?

TDIB: -snorts- Oh don't act all innocent, you fucking idiot! Everyone knows you're a paedophile in the making…

Jacob: Um…paedophile?

TDIB: Yah, paedophile! Don't tell me you don't know what a paedophile is…

Jacob: -tries to punch TDIB but she disappears- Bella, I love you! We can live together, be married, and have little human/werewolf hybrids, all while you're human…

Bella: -murmurs- But Jacob…I actually want to be a singer…and move to Los Angeles…and own a little chihuahua that could fit in a handbag…

Jacob: Sure, we can do that, anything you want!

Bella: -ponders- Well…come to think of it…I also want to become the first female President of America…and own a mansion…and have a dozen maids and butlers…and own a successful company…

Jacob: -smiles- It's all up to you sweetie…it's all up to you…

TDIB: -appears next to Bella- But what about Edward?

Bella: -sighs- I love Edward. I always love Edward, but I seriously need to move on though…

TDIB: NO!! Edward loves you!!!

Bella: -shakes head- No, Edward doesn't love me. I'm not good enough for him, what with his sexy looks, his strength, speed, sparkles…

TDIB: -growls- He loves you, full stop. He lied to you!

Bella: Well, at least he's happy…I'm just going to go with Jacob now…

TDIB: -sounding livid- And go and make thousands of Twilight fanfic readers suffer?! I don't think so! -'Accidentally' falls off the cliff, taking Bella with her-

Bella: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

TDIB: -screams- WOOOOOOOOOH!!! THIS IS FUN!!!

Jacob: BELLA!!! I'M COMING TO SAVE YOU!!! –Takes off pants and jumps-

TDIB: WEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Edward's Voice: _That's it. I'm going to kill that bitch who pushed you off that cliff…_

-There's a loud splash as Bella and TDIB dives into the ocean-

TDIB: -looks at Bella's angry face- You know what, I'm out of here! –Disappears-

Jacob: BELL- -Is cut off when saltwater started choking him as he entered the ocean-

Bella: -waves arms frantically- JACOB!!!

Jacob: I'VE COME TO SAVE YOU!!!

-Meanwhile-

TDIB: -watches from the cliff top- Excellent…and now, I'm off. –Disappears-

Jacob: -pulls Bella up the shore- I swear Bella, as soon as I see that bitch again, I'm going to kill her ten times over!

Bella: -groggily- Um…isn't once enough?

Jacob: Yeah, but it'll make me feel better though…

-Somewhere in Alaska…-

Rosalie: -talks in the phone- I'm sorry Edward, but that person called "The Dawn Is Breaking" fell off a cliff, taking Bella with her. Alice saw that Bella died. I'm sorry. –Thinking- _Yes! Edward's coming home!!! And we could now forget that scrawny little human like we were supposed to, and Edward will finally think _I'm_ the most beautiful person in the world. Huzzah!!!_ –Proceeds to do her victory dance around the Denali house…in her Victoria's Secret lingerie…-

**-Racks brains- Ahhh...can't think of what to say...**

**Well, I go back to school in less than two weeks time, and I expect myself to work harder, longer, and stop procrasinating (mind you, I did make that promise to myself last year...)**

**I might actually start posting up the first chappie of "OMC!!! The Principal is a Vampire!!!" soon (or maybe not), 'cause I want to at least post up the first two/three chappies during what's left of my holidays. "The Crappy Twilight Cliches Show" is on hold for now, due to the fact that I'm going over-the-top with preparations for this school year -sighs-...Sorry!!! I'll try to pick it up soon!**

**Next: Imprinting!**


	9. Chapter 9: Imprinting

**Yo peeps! Yeah, I decided to update this story, mainly because I was bored and I had nothing much to do. Hopefully you'll like this as much as I like writing this!!!**

**Disclaimer: Sorry, but I don't own the Twilight Series. Or Jacob. Or Mary Sue. Or Naomi Cullen.**

Plot No. 9 – Imprinting

_Setting – La Push Beach_

_Time – 12pm, Sunday_

Jacob: -kicks sand while walking on the beach- Why does my life suck…? I love a gal who loves a bloodsucker…-sigh-

TDIB: -sarcastically- Well I wonder why? I mean, you _did_ try to mouth rape her…

Jacob: YOU!!! THE BITCH WHO PUSHED BELLA OFF THE CLIFF!!! –Tries to punch TDIB, but she disappears-

TDIB: -reappears- Whatever. –Disappears again-

Jacob: -sigh- My life sucks…-Kicks a rock on the beach, which, because of his werewolf-y strength, hits a tourist in the leg-

Mary (the tourist): -clutches bleeding leg- OW!!! SHIT WHAT HAPPENED?!

Jacob: -runs towards Mary- Look ma'am, I'm so sor- -Is speechless when he saw her face-

Mary: -angrily- You did THIS?! –Gestures to leg- You fucking son of a bitch!!!

Jacob: -pleads- Look, um, Miss…I'm really sorry, an-

Mary: -lividly- Yeah, you should be!

Jacob: So sorry! Uh, here. –Takes off shirt and wraps it around Mary's leg- Are you okay?

Mary: Not until your rock hit my leg!

Jacob: -sincerely- I'm really sorry. I truly am.

Mary: -sighs- Well, thanks for the bandage anyway.

TDIB: -runs up to Jacob- JACOB SWEETIE? DON'T FORGET OUR DATE AT THE MOVIES, OKAY?!

Jacob: -turns around- What the hell is your problem?!

TDIB: Woah, woah, woah! Chillax, okay?!

Jacob: -whispers urgently- Dude, I think I just imprinted on that girl over there! You probably just ruined it for me!

TDIB: -brightens up- Really? Excellent…

Jacob: -turns back to Mary- Um, I'm sorry. This is my sister here –gestures to TDIB-.

TDIB: -snorts- Convincing, Jake. I'm actually his cousin. His father's sister married a Chinese man, so now I'm the half-Chinese, half-Indian freak, hence the really dark skin and the Asian appearance.

Mary: -nods- Uh huh…right then…

Jacob: Um…can I get you anything else?

Mary: Yeah. Get out of my view, idiot! I really want to see the sunset.

Jacob: -holds up hands in surrender- Sure, sure. –Runs off into the woods-

TDIB: -appears next to him- Geez, you imprinted on _that_?!

Jacob: -smiles- Yep. Isn't she pretty?

TDIB: -mutters- Yeah…Pretty demanding and bossy, if that's what you mean.

Jacob: -sighs- She walks in beauty, like the night…

TDIB: …when she speaks, the flowers all die…-Mutters- Since when did you like poetry…

Jacob: -ignores TDIB and keeps looking at the girl-

TDIB: Do you even know her name?!

Jacob: -sadly- …No…

TDIB: -rolls eyes- Then ask her for her name!

Jacob: But…but…

TDIB: You're going to meet her sometime soon…ask her name now or I'll kick you in the balls again.

Jacob: Whatever. –Walks towards her-

Mary: -raises eyebrows- You again?

Jacob: -smiles- Sorry, but I didn't actually catch your name.

Mary: Oh, it's Mary. Mary Sue.

(Meanwhile, in the woods…)

TDIB: -tries to suppress her giggles- Mary…SUE?! You're kidding, aren't you?!

(Back on the beach…)

Jacob: -grins- That's a cool name. I'm Jacob Black, by the way.

Mary: Nice to meet you, although it would be nicer if you hadn't wrecked my leg.

Jacob: Um, no offence or anything, but I've done everything I can to stop the bleeding on the leg. Please don't brood on it.

Mary: -scoffs- Uh huh, I don't forget easily, and I don't forgive easily.

Jacob: -sighs- Okay then…

(Back in the woods…)

Naomi Cullen: -grumbles- Okay, there has got to be a really good reason why I'm here. Wait…where am I?

TDIB: Shhh. You're in the woods that's near the La Push beach.

Naomi Cullen: Wait, La Push? As in Twilight La Push? Jacob La Push?!

TDIB: -impatiently- Yes, now be quiet.

Naomi Cullen: -squeals- Oooh! Can I see Jacob Black please?! I want to see my sweetheart Jakey-poo!!!

TDIB: Yeah yeah, just go. –Pushes Naomi Cullen towards Jacob-

Naomi Cullen: -screams- JACOB!!!

Jacob: Huh, what the- -Is interrupted by Naomi Cullen slamming into him-

Mary: Okay, that's it, I'm off. –Walks off-

Jacob: Now look what you did! You just scared off my imp- -Stops when he saw Naomi Cullen's face-

TDIB: -calls out- Um, I think that's enough now…

Naomi Cullen: -rubs head on chest- I can't believe this day is finally coming true…-Looks up and notices Jacob staring at her in wonder- What is it? –Steps away-

Jacob: -looks dazzled- Um…um…er…I'm a…werewolf?

TDIB: -rolls eyes- Psh. No shit, Sherlock.

Jacob: -looks at Naomi Cullen- Do you mind if I was a werewolf?

Naomi Cullen: -throws arms around his waist- NOPE!!! I LIKE YOU BETTER AS A HOT SEXY WEREWOLF!!

Jacob: Okay then…what do you know about imprinting?

Naomi Cullen: -gasps- You mean…you imprinted…on _me_?

TDIB: -shakes head- Oh my God…

Jacob: -smiles- Yes…sweetheart…

Naomi Cullen: THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! –The two of them start twirling around on the beach-

TDIB: -interrupts their spinning- Um, I thought you imprinted on that bossy bitch just then…

Jacob: -grins- Nup. I was kinda desperate to imprint, so I thought that if I was with a random girl for long enough, then I'll eventually imprint on her. I'm so glad to be wrong though. –Strokes Naomi Cullen's cheek-

TDIB: -gags- Well, I'm off then. And before I go, here, have this! –Tosses a packet of condoms- We wouldn't want an accident now, would we?

Jacob/Naomi Cullen: -blushes-

TDIB: GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR WEDDING, AND DON'T FORGET TO INVITE ME!!! –Disappears-

**Okay, okay, fine...That ending was a bit lame, but that's what happens when you have Writers' Block...**

**Part 2 of the Fan Interview of 'The Crappy Twilight Cliches Show' is going along nicely, along with 'OMC!!! The Principal Is A Vampire!!!' so expect to see either of them soon :)**

**This Is TDIB, signing out!**

**Next up: Note Passing!!!**


	10. Chapter 10: Really Crap Note Passing

**Hello again! After my long hibernation from Fanfiction, I'M BACK!!! At school, that is...No seriously, I'm back at school, and homework is coming in piles titled 'Maths', which is just great 'cause I have Maths AND English everyday...-sigh-...But enough of my rambling, on with da fanfic!!!**

**Disclaimer: The only similarities I have with Stephenie Meyer are the fact that I'm female, I love Edward, and that I love Muse and the All-American Rejects. **

Plot No. 10 – (Really Crap) Note Passing

_Setting – A Trigonometry Classroom in Forks High School_

_Time – Thursday, 2:30 pm_

Alice: -scribbles a note and passes it to Bella without a word-

Bella: -reads note silently to herself- _Hey Bella, do you want to pass notes with me and Eddie-puss?_

Edward: -scrawls on the back of the note- _Alice, don't call me Eddie-puss. And you better stop writing them before the teacher catches us_. –Passes back to Alice-

Alice: (the notes will be in italics) _–Imaginary pout- Fine then! Besides, Eddie-weddie seems to suit you better…_

Edward: _No, I think Edward will be fine…_

Bella: _-giggles- Hehe, Eddie-weddie who wets his beddie…_

Edward: _-Growls- Bella, I'm warning you…_

Bella: _-more giggles- Sorry Eddie-weddie who wets his beddie, but you gotta admit…it's a catchy name… _

Edward: _Bella…-Dazzles her-_

Bella: _-Looks at Edward stupidly-_

Alice: _Oh, by the way Bella, Emmett was trying to make chocolate chip cookies the other day, and he had a picture of a rubber duckie on it._

Bella: _Really? Oh wait…This IS Emmett after all…_

Edward: _-Sigh- It's going to be either ducks, strippers, llamas, Hannah Montana or a…um…_

Alice: _Come on, Eddie-weddie who wets his beddie…I know what you're about to say, so don't lie…_

Edward: _Then why don't you tell Bella then?_

Alice: _It'll be funnier coming from you…_

Bella: _What's going on? God I feel so left out…_

Edward: _The, er, male, ah…_

Alice: _-creepily- Say it. Say it out loud…_

Edward: _Quick, hide the notes! The teacher's coming!_

Alice: _You know you can't fool me! I'm the invincible ALICE CULLEN!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!_

Bella: _O bow down to the invincible Alice and…Wait, hang on…_

Alice: _-groans- Oh no…_

Edward: _Uh oh…not HER!!!_

Bella: _I think there's something underneath the table…_

Alice: _Actually, it's a some ONE_…

Edward: _Why does she follow us around?!_

TDIB: -pops head between Bella and Edward- Hey! Watcha doing?

Edward: -growls- Get out now! –Punches TDIB but she disappears-

TDIB: -reappears crouched behind Bella and passes Edward a note- _You know Eddie-weddie who wets his beddie…all the punching and the kicking and the killing is seriously starting to get old now…You know that it'll work as well as your sad attempt at leaving Bella…_

Bella: _Don't bring that up bitch…_

Alice: _Yeah, I don't want to think back to the time when I don't have a shopping partner and a Barbie…_

TDIB: -rolls eyes- Yeah, whatever…-Quickly throws a water bomb at the Maths teacher and disappears-

Mr Varner: -turns around and glares angrily- Who was that?!

TDIB: -reappears crouched behind the Cullens- ALICE!!! –Immediately disappears-

Mr Varner: -walks up to Alice- Well, young lady, what have you got to say?

Alice: -smiles sweetly- Um, how could it be me? I swear, I thought it was Mike who threw it…

Mike: -turns around- WHAT?! How could it be m- -Is suddenly dazzled by Alice-

Mr Varner: -rumbles- NEWTON!!! TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE!!!

Mike: -still dazed- Er…yes sir…-Trudges out of the room-

Mr Varner: -turns back to the board- Now where we're we…Oh yes, the _x_ on the right hand side…

TDIB: -reappears suddenly behind the Cullens- Damn, that didn't work…

Alice: -glares- Bitch! You almost got me in trouble!!!

TDIB: -rolls eyes- That's the whole point, Alice…Gosh…-Disappears-

Bella: -scrawls on a piece of paper and hands to Alice- _How 'bout we pass notes again?_

Alice: -grins- _Hehe, excellent…_

Edward: -whispers silently- I'll keep an eye out for the teacher again. –Turns back to the teacher-

Alice: _You want to come over to my place later on?_

Bella: _Will it involve Truth or Dare, makeovers or shopping?_

Alice: _Of course! Why would I invite you over? It's not as if anything else is interesting…_

Bella: _-groans- Oh Heaven help us…_

-Meanwhile, somewhere in the school corridors…-

TDIB: -drags a wagon load of old exam papers and textbooks- Okay, instigate awesome plan, Codename Crap Fanfics! –Opens janitor closet to see Emmett and Rosalie going at it- HOLY GOD!!! I don't need to see you guys naked again!!! –Slams door and runs off-

Emmett: -looking dazed- Um…where were we?

Rosalie: -rolls eyes- Does it matter? –Proceeds making out with Emmett-

-Meanwhile, in front of the bathrooms…-

TDIB: -piles up old tests and books- Right then, initiate Crap Fanfics!!! –Throws a lit match onto the pile, before pulling the fire alarm and disappearing-

-Back at the Trigonometry Classroom…-

Alice: -breaks off from vision- OH NO!!!

Edward: -seethes- She's so dead…

Bella: -looks confused- What's going on?

-The sound of the fire alarm suddenly goes off. The whole class suddenly goes into a panic-

Bella: -nervously- No really…What the fuck is going on?

Edward: -grits his teeth- The Dawn Is Breaking…

-Half an hour later…-

Alice: -giggles- Rosalie! Emmett!! What the bloody hell happened to you?

Rosalie: -in a half-buttoned shirt and wrinkled skirt- We didn't hear the fire alarm…

Emmett: -with only his cargo pants on- Yeah, we were in the janitor's closet…Finishing off our biology homework…-Glares at a couple of passing boys who were checking out Rosalie-

Bella: -winces- Do I even want to know?

Edward: -shakes head- No, you don't, my sweet. –Kisses her forehead-

Chief Swan: -walks out of the smoking building with a half-burnt Geography textbook- Okay, which one of you did this? Was it you, Edward? –Glares at him-

Edward: -sincerely- No sir. I would never do that. Besides, Alice and Bella –gestures to them- can confirm that I was in the classroom, along with Mr Varner…

Emmett: -grins- Besides, I swore I saw that Newton kid with a box of matches and some old exam papers walking in the corridors…

Chief Swan: -mutters- Thanks a lot. –Walks off towards Mike-

TDIB: -appears- Hey HEY, Kids!!! –Surveys the smoking building and whistles- Wow, I didn't expect to do THAT much damage…How much is it going to cost?

Edward: No much…just about twenty thousand or something…

TDIB: -punches air- SCORE!!! That was AWESOME!!! –Dances around spastically-

Jasper: Honestly, why did you do that for?

TDIB: -stops- What, you mean the dancing? It's my victory dance! –Resumes dancing-

Edward: No, why did lit up a bonfire with past exam papers and textbooks?

TDIB: It was on my 'Things to Do Before I Die' list…Plus it would be nice to stop Alice from passing notes using a fire…-Crazy grin-

Bella: You idiot! The government is going to spend our taxpayers' money on this building!

TDIB: Er…Your point is?

Bella: Your parents' taxes are going to fund this school's repair!!!

TDIB: …

Edward: -whispers to Bella- Um…she lives in Australia…

Bella: SHIT!!! There goes my argument…

TDIB: -rolls eyes- Well, I don't care. SAYONARA, SUCKERS!!! –Vanishes-

Alice: …So…Who wants to see Mike get busted for setting the corridor on fire?

Rest of them: -in unison- Me…

**Well, alot has happened while I was away. I started school, bushfires are currently raging in Southern Australia in Victoria, Obama is still our beacon of hope, and the next chappie of 'The Crappy Twilight Cliches Show' will hopefully be finished by either next week or the week after. And yes, I probably will only update once a week or something like that...Sorry!**


	11. Chapter 11: The Cullens Get a Pet

**Hi everyone!!! Yeah, I'm slowly dying from the amount of homework I get every frigging day, so don't be too surprised if I don't update. Thanks to everyone who reviewed both this story and TCTCS, and I hope you enjoyed this chappie, made with randomness, insanity and half-hearted love.**

**Disclaimer: Please refer to the previous chapter for the disclaimer.**

Plot No. 11 – The Cullens Get a Pet (Or Emmett Eats a dog…Whichever one you preferred)

_Setting – Forks' Pet Shop_

_Time – 11am, Saturday_

Bella: Edward, seriously I don't NEED a dog…

Edward: -soothingly- But Bella, I only just bought you a flashy reincarnation of an Israeli tank, a new credit card, school fees for Dartmouth, AND a candle-lit dinner at 'The Little Asparagus'! It's not enough!

Bella: -mutters under her breath- I killed three fishies already from smashing into the fish tank…You sure you could trust me with a dog?

Edward: -rolls eyes and points at little white chihuahua- Oooh! How 'bout we get this one?

Bella: -peers at the excited dog- Awww…It's so cute! –Pauses-…But it's not really my type of dog…Is that the only one here?

Shop Owner: -walks around- Um, it's either that or the pit bull terrier…

Bella: -brightens- I'll have the pit bull!

Edward: Bella, be realistic…You want the pit bull? You sure?

Bella: -smiles- Absolutely!

Edward: -hands in money- The chihuahua, please.

Bella: -screeches- WHAT?! I wanted the pit bull! PIT BULL!!!

Edward: Bella, the pit bull is a very dangerous dog. It could kill you, and that armoured-plated Mercedes would be for nothing!

Bella: -sarcastically- Yeah, and having Alice assault me with lipstick is just the epitome of safety…

Edward: Bella…Please? For me? –Dazzles her-

Bella: …

Shop Keeper: -walks back- Sorry to interrupt this, er, very intimate moment, but the pit bull has just been sold out.

Bella: WHAT?!

Edward: -secretly- Yes!

Bella: But WHY?!

Shop Keeper: Well, Sarah Palin just came in and pick up our only pit bull. She wanted to put lipstick on him to see if he _does_ look like her…-Grimaces-

-Meanwhile, somewhere on the road to Alaska…-

Sarah Palin: -holds down struggling pit bull- Now now, Sarah Junior, hold still while I put some Revlon on your pretty snout…

Mr Palin: -while driving- Erm, I think it's a male dog…And like most males, I don't think it wants lipstick on either…

Sarah Palin: -ignores Mr Palin- Come on, don't bare your sharp teeth at me…-Takes out lipstick- Otherwise you'll get lipstick on your pearly whites…

Pit Bull: -growls, before lunging at Sarah Palin-

-Back at the Pet Store-

Bella: -inspects chihuahua- Well, it's really cute…Does it have a name?

TDIB: -appears next to Bella- Five bucks its name is something retarded like Jacob…

Shop Keeper: Wait…How did you know its name is Jacob?

TDIB: -in a creepy voice- I just do…Mwahahahahahaaa…-Cough-

Edward: Um, can't we just change the name?

Shop Keeper: It won't answer to anything else.

TDIB: Bella, are you sure you need this dog?

Bella: No-

Edward: Yes!

Bella: Edward!

Edward: Please? –Dazzles her-

Bella: Erm, ah, um…

TDIB: -rolls eyes- I don't care anymore…I'll come back to see Jacob Senior's reaction…-Disappears-

-An hour later…-

Alice: -claps- Jacob Black! You made it!

Jacob: -wrinkles nose- Okay, there had better be a reason why I'm in this stink house…

Alice: -grins- Well, your reason will come in 3…2…1…NOW!!

-The door promptly opens to Edward and Bella holding a white chihuahua-

Bella: Jacob!

Jacob: Bella! –Bear-hugs her-

Bella: -gasps- Can't…breathe…

TDIB: -appears behind the piano and takes out video camera-

Jacob: -looks at chihuahua- Awww…That's so cute…What's his name?

Edward: -smugly- Jacob…

Jacob: …

Alice: ...

The Rest of the Cullens: ...

Emmett: -snickers- You're kidding, aren't you?

Bella: -blushes- No…

TDIB: -laughs- BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!! L.O.L!!!

Jacob: -growls-

TDIB: No, seriously! L.O.L!!!

Jasper: How old is Jacob?

Jacob: Fifteen.

Bella: Eight weeks.

TDIB: WHAT?!

Edward: Are you talking about the dog, or…the dog…?

Rosalie: -looks up from her hand-held mirror- Does it matter? They're both mentally eight weeks old anyway…-Flips hair and sighs- _I am beautiful, in every single way...Words can't bring me down..._

Alice: Hey, just wondering…Is Jacob vaccinated?

Edward: With what?

Alice: You know, the usual…Flatworm, tapeworm, etc?

Edward: -turns to Jacob- So are you vaccinated? I don't want my Bella getting worms…

Jacob: Not funny, bloodsucker…

TDIB: -is too busy laughing-

Emmett: Um…Is Jacob neutered?

Jacob: HEY!!!

Edward: -tries not to laugh- No, but he will be in about a week's time…-Turns to Jacob- You should come, you know…There's a two-for-the-price-of-one deal in the nearest vet clinic…

Jacob: -sarcastically- Haha, very funny…

TDIB: -calls out- Hey Jacob!!!

Jacob: -glares at TDIB- I still haven't forgiven you for pushing Bella off the cliff…

TDIB: -waves it off- Yeah yeah, whatever…How 'bout you morph into a werewolf and see how mini-Jake reacts to you?

Jacob: Make me!

Alice: I'll make you! –Whispers to Jacob- If you don't change into a werewolf, I _will _force you into a baby pink mini-skirt, a tube-top with padding, nine-inch kitty heels and enough make-up to make a slut look angelic…

Jacob: -raises eyebrows- Um, yeah, right…

Bella: Jacob, you wouldn't want Alice to give you a makeover…-Shudder-

Alice: Oh, come on Bella! Admit it, I'm the best thing that ever happened to your ailing sense of fashion…

Bella: -mutters- Yeah…Right…

TDIB: But back to the point, change into a werewolf, Jacob! Please!!!

The Cullens/Bella: Yeah!!! Change, change, change!!!

Jacob: -sighs- Fine…-Morphs into a werewolf-

Bella: -releases mini-Jacob-

Mini-Jacob: -immediately dashes towards Jacob and sniffs his butt-

TDIB: If you're wondering, that's how dogs say hello…

Jacob: -growls-

Emmett: -turns to Rosalie- How about we go to our bedroom and say hello to each other?

Rosalie: -smiles coyly- Only hello? Can't we say anything else?

Emmett: If you want…-Scoops a giggling Rose in his arms and runs up the stairs-

TDIB: -wrinkles nose- Ew…-Shudders-

Edward: -tries not to laugh-

Bella: What is it?

Edward: Jacob is, um…enjoying this…

Jacob: -growls as mini-Jacob licks his butt-hole-

Edward: It's turning him on…

Jacob: -growls even more-

TDIB: -looks up the stairs- Do you actually have a spare room?

Jacob: -growls, but is suddenly cut off by mini-Jacob humping his leg-

TDIB: -coughs- Yeah, maybe you should get a spare room…

-Couple of days later…-

_Setting – Bella's House_

_Time – 1:30 am, Wednesday Morning_

Emmett: -sneaks around while humming to the Jaws Theme- Now where is that tasty little chihuahua dog? Hmmm…

TDIB: -pops in- You sure you want a chihuahua? Honestly, deer would be much better tasting than a dog…

Emmett: -mutters- Dogs are omnivores – they're more like humans.

TDIB: -nods- It's true…That's why Rosalie is such a bit- -Is cut off by Emmett growling-

Mini-Jacob: -sleepily wakes up-

Emmett: Come on, Jacob…Come to Papa…

TDIB: -raises eyebrows- So you gave birth to Jacob now? Ewww…

Emmett: Erm…

TDIB: Well, it _does _kinda make sense…After all, Rosalie _is_ a bitc-

Emmett: -growls- Shut. UP!

TDIB: So long as you don't eat the chihuahua. –Starts chanting- Chihuahuas are friends, not food! Chihuahuas are friends, not food!

Emmett: Dude, can you just SHUT UP!!!

TDIB: -screams- CHIHUAHUAS ARE FRIENDS, NOT FOOD!!!

-The sound of muffled footsteps are heard on the second floor-

Emmett: Shit! I must kidnap the damn dog!

TDIB: -hurriedly takes chihuahua and disappears-

Bella: -rubs eyes as she walks downstairs- Emmett, what's going on?

TDIB: -calls out- Emmett ate your dog!!! –Disappears-

Bella: Emmett!!! You ate Jacob?!

Emmett: I would dispute you, but that actually sounded funny…

Bella: -groans- You know what I mean...

Emmett: -smiles- Edward would be really pleased to hear that…

-Meanwhile, in the meadow-

TDIB: Okay Alice, if you lie to Edward and the rest of the family about the fate of Jacob the chihuahua, I will offer myself as a reluctant Barbie, and you could dress me up in a way that's remotely appropriate…And by appropriate, I mean I don't either look like a whore, a slut or a cross-dresser.

Alice: Hmmm…Interesting…Interesting…So in return for lying about Jacob, I could come over to your place and spend a whole day dressing you up.

TDIB: -curtly- Yes, so long as it is on Saturday.

Alice: -smiles- I'll do it! See you next week! –Runs back-

TDIB: -shakes head- Jesus, what had I got myself into…?

_Setting – Cullen House_

_Time – 9:30 am, Sunday (Next Morning)_

Edward: -hisses- Emmett, you fucking bastard! You ATE Jacob?!

Jacob: Does it have to be Jacob? Can't you call the chihuahua something else?

Bella: It won't go by any other name…

Jacob: Oh geez…

Jasper: Don't lie! Alice saw a vision of you eating poor Jacob, okay?

Emmett: -sarcastically- Yes, 'cause the sweet, innocent midget psychic _never_ lies, especially when it comes to me!

TDIB: -pops in- Yo! Whassup?

Rosalie: For your information Ugly, they are accusing my teddy bear that he ate Jacob!

TDIB: -brightly- Really, Ho-salie? –Sighs- Our world is a much better place now…

Jacob: -points at himself- Er, I think they meant the dog…

TDIB: Ah, you're a dog…

Jacob: I mean the other…Oh never mind…

Edward: How COULD you eat Jacob the chihuahua?!

Emmett: Hey! I wanted a late night snack…

TDIB: -rolls eyes- Okay, I'm off. –Disappears-

Bella: -shrugs- All well. I knew getting a dog was a bad idea…

-Meanwhile, somewhere in Sydney…-

TDIB: Okay Jacob, meet Bobo. Bobo, meet Jacob.

-The two chihuahuas are introduced, before starting to bond with each other-

TDIB: -sighs- Ah…The glory of young love…

**Well, you like?**

**Okay, I don't really have anything else to say, so I'll wrap it up here. Sayonara!!**

**Next – Pranking Marathon!**


	12. Chapter 12: Pranking Marathon

**So yes, I'm continuing on with my updating spree on Fanfiction with this new chappie! ****Sorry about the long update, but if you must blame someone…Blame the school curriculum for torturing me with geometry, essay writing and the Australian Constitution. **

**Hope you enjoy the story!**

**Disclaimer:**** Dude, even Stephenie Meyer wouldn't write this, so how could **_**I**_** be Stephenie Meyer?**

Plot No.12 – Pranking Marathon!

_Setting – Cullen House_

_Time – 10 am, Sunday_

Bella: Um, Alice…Why are we actually spray-painting Emmett's jeep hot pink?

Alice: Because I can! Plus, he insulted my Gucci shoes! Do you know how bad that was?!

Bella: What, you mean the shoes?

Alice: No, you idiot! Emmett's comment!

Bella: Oops…My bad…

Alice: -glares- You're next, Bella. I'll promise you that.

Bella: …

Alice: -spray paints front- This will be the last time you cross me Emmett McCarty Cullen... MWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Bella: Um, when is he going to find out?

Alice: According to my mystical prophecies…This afternoon.

Bella: ALL RIGHT!

Alice: In the meantime, let's do some SHOPPING!!!

Bella: Oh no! –Tries to run, but Alice tackles her-

Alice: Looks like you're doing this the hard way then…

Bella: EDWARD HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! –Gets dragged off towards Edward's Volvo (Because the Porsche ran out of gas)-

-Meanwhile, in La Push…-

TDIB: -mixes five bottles of different colour spray paint together in a tin- Okay…Puke-coloured paint, check. Safety glasses, check. Intended victim the 911 Turbo, check. Okay, let's get this thing started! –Disappears-

-Meanwhile, somewhere in the Seattle shopping centre-

Alice: -sings- _Heaven…I'm in Heaven…_

Bella: -mutters- If this is Heaven, I'd rather be in Hell…

Alice: Oh, come on! We haven't even gone through half the shopping centre yet! Let's go to- -Is cut off by a vision of TDIB spray-painting swear words on her bright yellow Porsche- No…no…NO! MY BABY!!! –Drags Bella towards the parking lot-

-Back to the garage-

TDIB: -cackles- Excellent…Excellent…the Team Emmett fans will be happy…-Runs towards the jeep and spray paints it red again, before disappearing-

-Couple of minutes later-

Alice: -sinks onto the floor- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! My…My…NO!

Bella: I would comfort you now, because you're my best friend and Edward's sister…But you _did_ force me to go shopping with you…

Alice: -evil glares at Bella- That was for your own good! It's not _my_ fault you don't appreciate it!

Bella: -mutters- Whatever…

Alice: -sobs- My…BABY! –Tries to hug it, but forgot that the paint was semi-dried- Ew! I got shit-coloured crap all over my $500 Burberry turtleneck!

Bella: And to think I will have you as my sister-in-law someday…

TDIB: -suddenly appears on a tree nearby- BOMBS AWAY!!! –Dumps large bucket of olive-green paint all over Alice-

Alice: -screeches- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I WILL KILL YOU BITCH!!!

TDIB: And this is my cue to leave. –Disappears-

Jasper: -runs towards Alice- Sweetie, I heard you scream and- HOLY GOD!

Alice: -sniffs- Jazzy-poo…Tell me the truth…I'm ugly now, aren't I?

TDIB: -appears again- HALE YES! –Disappears-

Jasper: -glares at now empty space, before turning towards Alice- No, my sweet. Despite the fact that you're drenched in paint, and you smell worse than a werewolf in a hardware store, I still think you are the most beautiful creature in the world. –Smiles tenderly-

Rosalie: -stands behind him looking at her hand-held mirror- Oh, so now _Alice_ is more beautiful than _I_ am?! First Bella, and now _Alice_?! You need to get your eyes checked, Jasper Whitlock Hale!

Edward: -wraps arms around Bella- I think it's just a matter of opinion, Rose. You seriously need to get your head deflated.

TDIB: -pops back in- Psh, I can do that with no worries. –Clears throat- Hosalie, you fat jiggly lard-ass! I honestly can NOT believe you'd screwed more men than a slut on Viagra with that fugly pimple that you call a face! Seriously, your nose is too big, your eyes are too small, you need surgery on those monkey-ears, and you look worse than Amy Winehouse _before_ she got sent to rehab! Heck, a flatulent, butt-picking, bogie-eating ten tonne gorilla has a better chance of winning Miss USA than you ever will! And, just wondering…Have you ever considered liposuction? I think it would do a lot of good to you…

Rose: -screams- BITCH!!!

Emmett: -evilly- I will kill you for what you did to my wife…

Jasper: -growls- I will kill you for what you did to _my_ wife…

Alice/Rose: -shrieks- DIE!!! –Tries to attack TDIB, but she disappears just in time-

TDIB: -reappears again on the nearby tree- Wow…I never really thought that vampires could get PMS…SOMEONE'S HAVING THAT TIME OF THE MONTH AGAIN!!! –Disappears-

Alice/Rose: -screams- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Edward: Um…Let's just get out of here Bella. –Whips Bella up bridal-style and runs away-

-The next day…-

TDIB: -leans against the door frame- You know Emmett, I don't need Alice's visions to actually guess that that is not gonna work.

Emmett: -while trying to pour a mixture of maple syrup, jelly and melted chocolate in the bathroom piping- Oh yeah? You're just jealous that you can't come up with better ideas than me!

TDIB: Emmett, seriously, Alice is probably seeing you doing this right now during her class. And chances are, Edward most likely knows as well.

Emmett: -glares- Hey, don't _you_ have school right now?!

TDIB: It's the holidays for me.

Emmett: Tsk, tsk, tsk…Naughty naughty, wagging school, huh?

TDIB: No really! It's the holidays for us Aussies. Well, at least for the Sydneysiders. –Grins-

Emmett: -mutters- Damn…-Wrenches piping back, before darting towards the bathroom-

TDIB: -after half a minute of intense running and puffing- …Honestly…I'm...Only…Human…-Wheezes-

Emmett: Hey, it's not _my_ fault, is it?

TDIB: -puffs- What…ever…

Emmett: -turns on tap, but nothing comes out- HEY! It's supposed to be pouring gunk! WHY AREN'T THEY COMING OUT?!

TDIB: Well, for one…The chocolate probably solidified, and thus blocked the pipe…

Emmett: -runs back towards the piping system- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MY MASTERPLAN!!! RUINED!!!

TDIB: -shrugs- Told you it wouldn't work…-Runs downstairs, took Emmett's mobile, and disappeared-

Emmett: -runs to the living room- Where did my phone go?

-Meanwhile, in the hospital-

Carlisle: -takes out ringing phone- Hello? Emmett?

TDIB: -on the phone in La Push- Nope, it's 'The Dawn Is Breaking'. Listen, Emmett is currently attempting to fill the piping system with a combination of syrup, raspberry jelly and chocolate. So far, he is on his way to being an epic failure, but I'm just taking this time to warn you now on the off chance that he succeeds.

Carlisle: Erm, well, thanks anyway, and…Hey, aren't you the girl who gave Rose a mental breakdown, poured paint over Alice, and spray-painted the word 'I fucked lemons' on her Turbo 911 yesterday?

TDIB: Um…-Quickly hangs up-

Carlisle: -shakes head- Looks like I had to call the plumber…Again…

**Wellup, like it or hate it?**

**IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE!!!**

**I'm thinking of writing up an outtake of the after party for "The Crappy Twilight Clichés Show", but I don't know if I should, so I have set up a poll on my profile. Go vote!**

**Other than that…I have nothing to say, so I'll just shut up now :)**

**Next up: A parody on a parody! LOL!**


	13. Chapter 13: A Parody on a Parody! Part 1

**Hello everyone! Still going strong with my updating spree, so here's the next installment of 'Plotline Parodies'! Hope you enjoy this four-part series as I had writing this up hurriedly (after the diabolical and evil TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes agreed to post the next chappie of her story up if I do the same for mine)!**

**Disclaimer: -This disclaimer has unfortunately been dazzled by Edward. Please refer to the previous chapters for it-**

Plot No. 13 – A Parody on a Twilight Parody! (Part 1)

_Setting – Airport, Phoenix Arizona_

_Time – 12pm, Saturday_

Renee: -kisses Bella goodbye- Okay, are you sure you want to go?

Bella: Mum, I already bought the tickets, packed the luggage, enrolled in Forks High School, and are about to depart on a plane. I don't think my opinion matters now.

Renee: -hugs Bella- Well, just to make sure…I'll miss you…

Bella: Miss you too, along with the sunny weather here…-Sigh-

-After arriving in Forks…-

_Setting – Charlie's House_

_Time – 8am, Monday_

Bella: -slips when she walks out of the house- I hate rainy days. –Slips when she gets to the truck- I hate the cold. –Bumps head onto truck- I HATE FORKS!!!

Neighbour: -yells- CAN YOU KEEP IT DOWN?! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!!!

Bella: -mutters- Fuck off bitch…-Drives to school-

-Couple of minutes later-

Mike: -grins happily- Hello Isabella! Welcome to Forks High School! I'm Mike!

Bella: DON'T FUCKING CALL ME ISABELLA!!! I'm Bella, okay?

Mike: Um, sorry about that-

Jessica: Hey, piss off! –Pushes Mike away- Hi new girl! I'm, like, Jessica, and I'm, like, in your classes and I'm, like, hot.

Bella: Er…Nice to meet you?

Jessica: Yeah, it should be nice to meet me!

TDIB: -suddenly appears behind Jessica and puts a dozen cockroaches on her hair, before disappearing-

Jessica: Anyway, aren't you supposed to be tan- -Gropes her hair and squishes a cockroach- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! MY HAIR!!! MY SEXY, SEXY HAIR!!! –Runs off towards the nearest bathroom-

Bella: -sigh- My life sucks…

-During lunchtime…-

Bella: -peers over to see the Cullens- Who are they?

Jessica: Oh, that large albino family over there?

Bella: Yeah, them…

TDIB: -suddenly appears- They're VAMPIRES!!!

-Awkward silence-

Cullens: -glares at TDIB-

TDIB: …Bite me Edward! BITE ME!!! –Disappears-

Jessica: They're the Cullens. I like the red-haired Edward Cullen. He's hot, but he wouldn't go out with me! –Takes out mirror- Maybe it's because my nose is too big…Or that my lips are too small…Or maybe I should get liposuction and breast implants…Hmmm…

Bella: -gapes at Edward-

Edward: -stares at Bella-

TDIB: -appears and drops 'Twilight' onto Edward's head, before disappearing-

Edward: GAH! –Throws book in the nearest rubbish bin-

TDIB: -appears again- WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM?! –Takes out the book from the bin and disappears-

Bella: -sigh- So…Cute…-Sigh-…

-Later, during Biology…-

Mr Banner: Okay Isabella-

Bella: It's BELLA, you moron!

Mr Banner: I should be reprimanding you right now, but I think you're hot, so I won't.

Bella: -mutters- Geez, what a creep…

Mr Banner: Anyway, there's only one seat left, and that's next to Mr Cullen at the back.

Bella: Okay then…-Walks to Edward and sits down-

Edward: -glares at her and holds his breath-

Bella: …Meep…

Edward: -keeps glaring at her-

Bella: …Um, you're just freaking me out no-

-Is interrupted by TDIB and ShadowCatcher walking into the class-

Mr Banner: Um, who are you?

TDIB: We're here to conduct a very important survey on young teenagers. You see, we are young budding psychologists, and this is part of our study on the teenage brain and their reactions to such things as love, stress, and all that jazz.

ShadowCatcher: Yeah. –Takes out an important-looking note- We had permission from the principal.

Mr Banner: -sigh- Very well, but how long will it take?

ShadowCatcher: Oh, about half an hour to forty-five minutes, and then we're done.

Mr Banner: Fine, make it quick.

TDIB: Thank you very much. –Turns to the class- Okay, allow me to introduce ourselves. I'm Nancy, and this is Laila. We're here to conduct a survey on the teenage mind and the teenage reactions to certain things, such as love, stress, sadness, etc.

ShadowCatcher: -walks around handing sheets of paper- Yes, so I'll hand out these out for you. Girls get the pink ones, boys get the blue ones. Most are multiple-choice questions, with some short-response. Write out your name on the top, and please be honest. You got forty-five minutes, so take your time.

Bella: O-kay…Is this supposed to happen?

Edward: -growls under his breath-

TDIB: Okay, so your time starts…NOW!

Bella: -reads question- _You had to choose between two boys to be your boyfriend. Which one would you choose? The one that sparkles in the sun like he's covered in glitter, or the one who is so hairy he needs a wax job. Urgently. _–Stares at question- What the hell?! Hmmm…-Circles first choice- Who wants a hairy bastard anyway?

Edward: -reads question- _If a guy sneaks into his crush's house in the middle of the night, and watches her sleep, he is considered a stalker. True or False?_ Um…True. Definitely true…

Jessica: _You have a crush on this guy, but he has a crush on your friend, and is determined to make her his. What would you do? Accept it, bitch about her until he loses interest and falls for you, or try and pair her up with someone else so that you would have a better chance at him._ Um…I would so bitch about her! –Circles second choice-

Bella: _What would you do if your boyfriend turns out to be a vampire? Run away and leave him, or stay with him and run the risk of being killed._ Um…Definitely run away. Honestly, which sane person wouldn't?

Edward: _If a boy called his girlfriend "his own brand of heroin", then he is – a) A drug addict, b) A poetic try-hard, c) Hallucinating, or d) Cheating on his girlfriend by (attempting) to make out with a packet of ecstasy tablets._ –Stands up- Can I…Go to the bathroom please? It's urgent.

ShadowCatcher: You can't hold it any longer?

Edward: -talks through his teeth- It's literally killing me…

TDIB: -looks at clock- You got about five more minutes left. If you finished, please look over the questions and check them again.

Edward: -growls, before sitting down-

Bella: _Would you get married straight after finishing high school? _Are you kidding me?! Hell NO!!!

Edward: _A perfect guy is – a) A myth, b) An oxymoron, or c) A moron. _Please let it be over now…

-Bell rings-

ShadowCatcher: Okay, time's up! Please bring your papers to the front in two piles – The pink pile and the blue pile. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day!

Edward: -darts out of room-

Bella: -stares after him- Awww…

TDIB: -pats Bella's shoulder- Don't worry, one day, you'll marry him. And have his baby. Which will nearly kill you and your insane mind.

Bella: Um…Okay then…-Slowly backs away from TDIB-

TDIB: And now we're off! –Both walks out of the classroom and into the nearby girls' bathroom to disappear discretely-

**Okay, that was only the first part. The parody will continue onto the next couple of chappies, so be patient!**

**So...What did you think?**

**Next up: A Parody on a Parody (Part 2)!**


	14. Chapter 14: A Parody on a Parody! Part 2

**Hello again! Soon, I'll have to go back to Hell, I mean, school, so I'll try to update as much as possible in the last couple of days of freedom. –Sigh- Hope you enjoy this next chappie!**

**Disclaimer: Even if I had plastic surgery, moved to Arizona, became a Mormon, married a Mormon, had three kids AND met everyone in the Twilight Movie cast…I still wouldn't own Twilight nor Edward Cullen –sobs-.**

Plot No. 13 – A Parody on a Twilight Parody! (Part 2)

_Previously…_

TDIB: -pats Bella's shoulder- Don't worry, one day, you'll marry him. And have his baby. Which will nearly kill you and your insane mind.

Bella: Um…Okay then…-Slowly backs away from TDIB-

TDIB: And now we're off! –Both walks out of the classroom and into the nearby girls' bathroom to disappear discretely-

-After three months of Bella going all emo…-

_Setting – Forks High School_

_Time – 2pm, Tuesday_

TDIB: Don't worry, he'll be back today.

Bella: -sniffs- That's what you've been saying for the past week…

TDIB: Whatever…

Bella: -walks into Biology- Wait…Is that…Can it be…

TDIB: Yep, it's the one and only…MIKE!!!

Bella: I meant Edward.

TDIB: -looks around wildly- Edward? EDWARD?! Where?! –Sees whole class staring at her- Um…-Runs off to disappear-

Bella: -timidly walks over to Edward and sits down-

Edward: Hi.

Bella: -gapes at him-

Edward: You're Bella Swan, aren't you?

Bella: -stammers- Er, um, ah, uh, yah, erm, yeah…

Edward: I'm Edward Cullen.

Bella: -stares stupidly at him- …

Edward: I didn't get the chance to meet you properly. I'm sorry.

Bella: …

TDIB: -appears- Jesus, pull yourself together Bella! –Looks at Edward- Your eyes changed colour! How's the mountain lion you killed?

Edward: -through his teeth- Piss…Off…

Bella: -looks puzzled- Mountain lion?

TDIB: Yep, he drinks their bl- -Suddenly disappears when Edward tries to kick her legs-

Bella: …Eh?

Edward: Never mind…

-After a lesson of mitosis and story telling-

TDIB: -walks with Bella and Edward- Oh, Bella's still alive? I thought you would've killed her by now…

Edward: I would rather kill you, you know…

TDIB: -pulls up wrist- But I would rather have you bite me! BITE ME!!!

Bella: -looks confused-

TDIB: Edward's a vam-

Edward: -tries to punch TDIB, but she disappears-

Bella: -stares at Edward- Whatever…

-That afternoon…-

Mike: Do you want to go to the spring dance with me Bella?

TDIB: -appears- Say no Bella! Say NO!!

Bella: Um…

TDIB: Oh heck…-Kicks Mike in his goolies-

Mike: -falls down- AH!!! Hey that hurts!

TDIB: -rolls eyes- That's the whole point…

Bella: Er, sorry Mike, but me and dancing don't exactly work out too well…

Mike: Look Bella, please go with me! I bet five bucks with the blokes that I could shag the new girl an-

Bella: EXCUSE ME?!

TDIB: Awkward moment, awkward moment…

Mike: Eh, hehe…Oops…

Bella: Definitely not going out with you. –Walks off-

TDIB: -grins- Good for you! –Sees Eric nervously walking towards Bella- Oh no…

Bella: Is he gonna ask me out to the dance as well?

TDIB: -nods-

Eric: Um, Isabella Marie Swan?

Bella: -screams- DON'T CALL ME FUCKING ISABELLA!!! IT'S BELLA, YOU PIMPLY MORON!!!

TDIB: Strike one…

Eric: -holds up hands- Sorry, sorry…It's just that…

Bella: You have poor hygiene? I could see that…

TDIB: Strike two…

Eric: -blushes- No, it's just that…Do you want to…Go to the spring dance with…me?

Bella: Hell NO!!!

TDIB: Strike three, you're OUT!

Eric: -mutters- Drats…-Walks off dejectedly-

Bella: Gosh, why do these idiots ask me out?!

-Next morning-

TDIB: Just telling you right now, as soon as you get off the truck, go straight onto the sidewalk.

Bella: Why?

TDIB: 'Cause I said so. You never know, there might be an out-of-control van around the corner that could almost squish you.

Bella: -laughs- You're funny…-Starts up truck-

TDIB: -pouts- No one ever listens to me…-Disappears-

-Later, near the school-

TDIB: Yeah Bella, get on the footpath…

Bella: I will, I will. Straight after I finish tying my shoelaces…-Bends down-

TDIB: -screams- BY GOD, BELLA!!! You'll be the death of me…-Points to Edward- Oh, there's he is.

Bella: -head swivels- Where, where?!

TDIB: On the opposite of the side walk. Believe it or not, he's going to save you in a couple of seconds.

Bella: -stands up- What do you mean?

TDIB: -gestures to out of control van before disappearing-

Bella: -screams- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Edward: SHIT! –Runs over and saves Bella-

Bella: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! –Witnesses Edward crushing and pushing Tyler's van away- Woah…

Edward: -stares in horror-

Bella: -stares in awe-

-Large crowd suddenly gathers around accident scene-

TDIB: -suddenly appears and starts singing 'Llama Song'- _Here's a llama, there's a llama, and another little llama. Fuzzy llama, funny llama, llama llama DUCK!_ –Turns to Edward- Nice Edward. Subtle much? –Disappears-

Edward: -walks off cursing-

-Later in hospital-

Carlisle: Okay Bella, you should be fine now…

Bella: -nods- Okay then…

TDIB: -appears- Carlisle, I have a slight headache. Can you cure it for me? –Pulls up sleeves and offers him her wrist-

Carlisle: -ignores exposed arm- Maybe you should take some painkillers and have a good rest.

TDIB: But I don't want another headache again…-Shoves wrist into Carlisle's face-

Carlisle: Sorry, but that's how life goes…

TDIB: Quit playing dumb Carlisle. You know full well what I want. Now c'mon!

Carlisle: No, I'm not going to-

TDIB: Bwuk bwuk bwuk bwuk…

Carlisle: -glares- Bella, Edward wants to see you.

Bella: -shrugs- Okay then. Let him in.

TDIB: -whispers in her ear- By the way…Edward's a vamp-

Edward: -walks in and clears throat-

TDIB: -gushes- EDWARD!!! I LOVE YOU EDWARD!!! –Flings herself at Edward-

Edward: -glares- Can I talk to Bella for a second? I would like to have some privacy…

TDIB: -shakes head- Oh no, she needs moral support, you know. Plus, there's a less likely chance that you'll kill her if I'm here…-Grins-

Edward: -mutters- Moral support my ass…-Sits down next to Bella-

Bella: Um…What was that this morning? How did you get to me so quickly from across the street?

Edward: -innocently- What do you mean? I was right next to you…

TDIB: -after a long coughing/sneezing fit- …Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit, but do continue…

Edward: -glares at TDIB-

Bella: -stubbornly- No, you were across the street! Next to your Volvo! And you came to me and pushed the van away!

Edward: -looks sceptical- You think I pushed a van away from you?

TDIB: -snorts- Oh COME ON!!! She's gonna know about your secret life in the future anyway! All this secrecy is a bit too pointless, if you ask me…

Edward: Don't cut in, okay?

TDIB: I won't unless you tell her you're a vamp-

Edward: -roars- SHUT UP!!!

TDIB: -suddenly quietens down-

Edward: -calms down- Anyway, where was I?

TDIB: You were about to tell her you're a v-

Edward: -talks over TDIB- What happens this morning is only between you and me.

TDIB: -cuts in- AND ME!

Edward: -ignores TDIB- You better not tell anyone.

Bella: -whispers- I wasn't going to…

-One week later…-

TDIB: Don't bother. He's not going to go to La Push beach anyway. He's not allowed.

Bella: Why? And how did you know that?

TDIB: Because I am…GOD!!!

Bella: …Are you sure I should've ditched Biology?

TDIB: Hell yeah! We wouldn't want you fainting at the sight of blood! Otherwise Mike's grubby hands would be all over your waist and hips and-

Bella: -groans- Never mind…

TDIB: Well, there's Edward over there. Five bucks he won't go to La Push.

Bella: Fine! It's a deal! –Walks over to Edward's car- Do you want to go to the beach this weekend with Mike and Jessica and co?

Edward: Erm, what beach?

Bella: La Push.

Edward: Ah, no thanks. I just remembered that we have some family time that day.

TDIB: -coughs- BULLSHIT! –Coughs-

Edward: -ignores Bella- Sorry…

Bella: -sighs- It's okay…

TDIB: -cackles- Today, I am five dollars richer…

**Yep, that's the end of Part 2…**

**I'm actually thinking of making this a five-part series instead of four, as all this interruptions and annoyance (courtesy of me) is probably going to make this longer…**

**Tell me what you think! Your honest opinion matters :)**

**Next up: A Parody on a Parody (Part 3)**


	15. Chapter 15: A Parody on a Parody! Part 3

**Hello! Yeah, sorry I haven't updated in ages, due to assessments, tests, homework and all the other crap that's involved with school. So to make it up, I'll just shut up now, and get on with the story!**

**Disclaimer: So once again, it's shocking to note that I do not own the following things –**

**The Twilight Series (and thus I don't own Edward Cullen –sob-)**

**Kung-Fu Fighting (despite the fact that I am, indeed, Chinese)**

**A Volvo (silver, to be exact)**

**Swine Flu (although I am kinda glad I don't have it…)**

Plot No. 13 – A Parody on a Twilight Parody (Part 3)

_Previously…_

Bella: Fine! It's a deal! –Walks over to Edward's car- Do you want to go to the beach this weekend with Mike and Jessica and co?

Edward: Erm, what beach?

Bella: La Push.

Edward: Ah, no thanks. I just remembered that we have some family time that day.

TDIB: -coughs- BULLSHIT! –Coughs-

Edward: -ignores TDIB- Sorry…

Bella: -sighs- It's okay…

TDIB: -cackles- Today, I am five dollars richer…

-That weekend…-

_Setting – La Push Beach_

_Time – 11am, Saturday_

Bella: -shivers- God, we're going to the beach in 41 degree weather…

TDIB: -wrapped up in a woollen coat, jeans and gloves- Sorry, I don't understand Fahrenheit. Please convert to Celsius.

Bella: I don't understand Celsius.

TDIB: -mutters- Fucking Americans…

Jessica: -arrives in a hot pink wet suit- Aren't you going to surf? Or are you too chicken? –Giggles-

TDIB: No, it's just that your head's too thick to realise that surfing in the rain is not the best idea…

Jessica: Shut up bitch! –Tries to bitch-slap TDIB, but slips on a piece of icy seaweed- OW! My sexy butt!

TDIB: -snorts- Smooth, Jessica…That will seriously gonna make Mike like you, you know…

Jessica: -brightens up- Really?! It will get his attention? Woot!!! –Starts collecting large piles of seaweed-

TDIB: Wow, and I thought Hollywood was filled with bimbos…

Bella: Oh yeah…-Looks into the distance- Who's that dreadlock Indian running up towards us?

TDIB: -grimaces- Geez…It's that son of a bitch again…Literally!

Bella: Say what?

TDIB: -mutters- Never mind…

Jacob: Hey Bella!

Bella: -smiles- Jacob! How are you?

Jacob: Great…-Trails off after seeing TDIB's expression-

TDIB: -glares- Oh God…You again…

Jacob: -puzzled- You've seen me before?

TDIB: Oh yeah…Unfortunately…-Whispers to Bella- Don't flirt with him, okay? It might be the worst mistake of your life…

Bella: What makes you think that I'm going to _flirt_ with a _fourteen-year-old_ anyway?

TDIB: Dude, you're going to fall in love with a vampire, marry said vampire, seduce the vampire, AND give birth to said vampire's baby which will nearly KILL you. I don't really think flirting with this bastard would be out of your league…

Bella: …

TDIB: Exactly.

Jacob: So what are you guys doing in this weather on the beach?

TDIB: Don't really know, but we _were_ hoping that we won't see your butt-ugly face. Evidently, that didn't exactly work out too well…

Bella: My fault. I called him.

TDIB: What?! You IDIOT!!! Can you get any DUMBER?! God…

Bella: Geez, chillax! I was hoping to see someone that I remotely know here…

TDIB: -mutters- You bitch…-Kicks Jacob in the genetic legacy-

Jacob: Ooof! –Crumples on the sand- What did you do that for?!

TDIB: -shrugs- Might as well do it now, when you're nothing more than a weak, vulnerable human…-Disappears-

Jacob: -shouts- Just you WAIT!!! One day, I'll become strong, and fast, and powerful-

TDIB: -reappears- And have lots and lots of body hair! –Disappears-

Jacob: -screams- SHUT UP!!! –Catches Bella with a WTF look- Hehe…Hi…

Bella: No offence or anything…But you kinda have issues with your temper…

TDIB: -reappears again- Mutts usually do…

Jacob: What did you just call me?

TDIB: Nothing…-Shifty eyes-

Jacob: -in a creepy voice- Let me tell you a very scary story about the Cullens and the La Push tribe…

TDIB: Too late. Already told her.

Jacob: Really? Damn…My only chance of making conversation with her…

Bella: So what's this about now?

TDIB: The basic gist of his retarded story is that the Cullens are vampires, the tribe are werewolves, and both hate each other because they both stink.

Bella: Wow…What a crappy story…

Jacob: -sigh- I thought that would scare you…

TDIB: -snorts- Jacob, honestly I think you would be better off being a paedophile…At least then, you'd be scary to the poor little children…

Jacob: -glares-

Bella: So…The Cullens are vampires now?

TDIB: Well about time you figured it out! I've been telling you that for the past couple of months, but NOOOOOOOOOOOO you just don't listen to the crazy obsessive fan girl…Ugh…

Jacob: -mutters- I wonder why…

TDIB: You want me to kick you in your ding-dong again?!

Jacob: No, no, no…I'll just shut up now and run away…-Darts away in the opposite direction-

TDIB: -mutters- Men…

Bella: -sigh- Oh great…What do we do now?

TDIB: -ponders- Well…We could always film Jessica slipping on algae…-Walks off to where Jessica has finally piled seaweed-

Jessica: Commencing 'Mike-My-Sexy-Ass-Hottie' plan…NOW! –Does a running start, before slipping on a slimy piece of kelp- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! OW, MY SEXY LOW-FAT STOMACH!!! MIKEY-POO, HELP ME!!!

Mike: What the f- BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!! What the bloody hell are you doing?

Jessica: -blushes- I-I-I…

TDIB: -grins while holding video camera- This is SOOOOOOO going on You Tube…

Jessica: BITCH!!! You better give me that camera!

TDIB: Make me!

Jessica: I'LL MAKE YOU!!! –Throws a piece of seaweed at TDIB, but she disappears- Where the fuck did she go?!

-Somewhere in Australia-

TDIB: -in front of laptop- Hehe…I wonder how many hits 'Bimbo Slipping on Seaweed' will get…Hmmm…

-Couple of days later…-

_Setting – Some dark alleyway in Port Angeles_

_Time – 7pm, Monday_

Bella: -glances nervously behind her- Um, I have a bad feeling about those guys stalking us…

TDIB: Don't worry, I'll protect you with my crappy kung fu moves! –Starts singing while whipping out ninja moves- _Everybody was kung-fu fighting!_ Ha! –Punch- Ha! –Kick-_ Those cats were fast as lightning! _Ha! –Ducks- Ha! –Nudge- _In fact it was a little bit frightening. _Ha! –Jumps- Ha! –Slap- _But they fought with expert timing. _Ha! –Kick- Ha! -Ducks-

Bella: Um, just because you're Asian, it does _not_ mean you can fight.

TDIB: Oh yeah? -Cracks knuckles- Want me to test it out on ya?

Bella: No, no. It's okay…

TDIB: Exactly.

-Another creepy half-drunk guy appears in front-

Bella: …Shit.

TDIB: Wow, understatement of the century.

Creepy Guy: -slurred- Hey, se-xay ladies! Wanna have a bit o' fuuuuuuuun?

Bella: Okay, let's get out of here.

TDIB: Spectacular idea.

-Tries to run off, but two more drunken/stoned men block their way-

Drunk Guy: -leers- There's no way you're going to get out of this, sweethearts. Heheheeeeh…

TDIB: Fuck…So much for not losing my virginity before uni…

Bella: -glances nervously at men- Ew…They stink…

TDIB: -sarcastically- Yes, 'cause that's going to be a big issue compared to them raping us- -Takes a sniff- Oh God! They _do_ stink!

Stoned Guy: C'mon honey, come to Papa now…-All four guys try to corner Bella and TDIB-

Bella: Oh shit, what do we do now?

TDIB: Well, in a dire situation like this, there's only one thing you can really do. -Whips out kung fu moves again- _Everybody was kung-fu fighting! _Ha! –Jumps- Ha! –Kick-

Bella: -stage whispers- That's not gonna work.

TDIB: Well…I _was _hoping that my crap singing will make their ears bleed…-Sigh- Where's Edward when you needed him?!

Bella: Um…Right over there? –Points to speeding Volvo-

TDIB: -squeals- It's a silver Volvo! A SILVER VOLVO!!! I'll see if Edward's in this one! –Tries to run towards it, but disappears after almost being hit by the speeding car-

Edward: -growls- Get in the car!

TDIB: -calls out from inside- Already have! –Strokes leather seating- Oooh…Shnazzy…

Edward: -hisses- Bella, get in!

Bella: -is momentarily dazzled-

Edward: -rolls eyes, before dragging Bella into the car-

Creepy Guy: Oh man, what the fuck just happened?

Stoned Guy: -looks dazed- Dude, I can clap with my hands…-Claps slowly- See? See?!

-Meanwhile, in the car-

Bella: Edward…You saved me…

TDIB: And me! –Sigh- This must only mean one thing…You LOVE ME!!! ME!!! –Swoons-

Edward: -ignores TDIB- Bella, distract me. Please.

TDIB: -grins- Gladly! –Takes deep breath- _Everybody was kung-fu fighting! _Ha! –Punch- Ha! –Pathetic attempt at kicking while sitting on a seat-

Edward: I said Bella, not you!

TDIB: -pouts- What's the difference anyway? You want a distraction, you got a distraction! Can't you just appreciate it?!

Edward: -ignores TDIB- Bella?

Bella: -stammers- Um…Er…Ah…You're…Hot?

TDIB: Bitch! He's mine!!! –Slaps Bella in the face-

Bella: -rubs cheek- Hey! That hurts!

TDIB: Dude, that's the whole point.

Edward: -growls- You, get out of the car.

TDIB: -whines- Why?! I've never been in a silver Volvo before! At least let me enjoy the moment-

Edward: Get OUT!

TDIB: Fine! –Turns to Bella- He's a vampire, Bella. A VAMPIRE!!! –Disappears-

Bella: …Is that true?

Edward: …How 'bout I buy you some dinner?

TDIB: -reappears- Don't tell me you're going to sprinkle some mysterious magical mushrooms in her ravioli, right?

Edward: -glares-

Bella: What's going on?

Edward: Never mind. –Dazzles her-

TDIB: Okay, see you guys at the restaurant. Don't forget to order the same thing for me! –Disappears-

-Later on…-

TDIB: -looks at Bella's plate- Hey! Where's _my_ order?!

Edward: Get your own!

TDIB: -snorts- I thought you were a gentleman that would answer the calls of a damsel in distress!

Edward: Trouble is, you're _not_ in distress.

TDIB: -whimpers- But I _am_ hungry…-Hails waitress- I'll have whatever she's –points to Bella- having, and that guy –points to Edward- is her boyfriend.

Waitress: Oh well then don't expect your order anytime soon, bitches! –Takes Bella's half-eaten plate away and stomps off into the kitchen-

TDIB: Well, didn't see that coming now, did ya?

Bella: -sobs- I want my pasta…

TDIB: -sigh- Oh well…-Takes out a can of Pringles and starts munching on them-

Bella: -looks over- Can I have one?

TDIB: Okay, but on one condition – You give me Edward.

Edward: Hey! I'm not an object! Don't I get a say in this?!

TDIB: -ignores Edward- Well?

Bella: C'mon, I'm hungry!

TDIB: -rolls eyes- Fine. Count yourself lucky that I'm nice…

Bella: Yay! –Takes out chip and munches on it-

TDIB: Anyway, aren't you gonna reveal that you're a vampire?

Edward: Well you've just blown it, haven't you?!

TDIB: -shrugs- I think Bella got the whole story, right?

Bella: -sniffs Edward's jacket- …You smell nice…

TDIB: -rolls eyes- Okay, I know Attention Deficit Disorder is a very bad thing, but for the love of God, can't you just pull yourself together for once?!

Bella: -whines- It's not my fault! –Points to Edward's jacket- It distracted me!

Edward: Funny…That's not the first time I heard that…

TDIB: Right, Bella, Edward is a vampire who finds both you and your blood attractive. Edward, Bella is a human who will attempt to seduce you, and have your half-vampire, half-human baby which would nearly kill her.

Edward: Well, that's my job done! Let's just pay the damn bill and go now!

TDIB: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I haven't eaten the all-famous mushroom ravioli in this restaurant yet!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeeease!!!

Edward: Well, that's your problem, not mine. Bella, let's go.

TDIB: -sniffs- Fine! You guys are mean! –Disappears-

Edward: Wow, that's easier than I thought…

Bella: …-Continues to be dazzled by Edward-

-Couple of minutes later…-

Bella: So…You're a vampire now?

Edward: Um, y-

TDIB: -appears and proceeds a coughing fit-

Bella: -growls- I didn't even hear his answer, idiot!

TDIB: -sputters- Sorry, I got swine flu. No biggie… -Starts sneezing and wheezing-

Bella: -screams- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! GET AWAY FROM ME! GET AWAY FROM MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! –Sobs- I don't want to die so young…

TDIB: -sarcastically- Yeah, 'cause hanging with vampires is the epitome of safety. You got problems, woman…-Blows into a tissue-

Bella: I thought you're a fan girl!

TDIB: Oh yeah…I _am_ a fan girl…WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! GO VAMPIRES!!! –Stage whispers- I heard they're great in bed…

Bella: -blushes- Too…Much…Info…

Edward: -hisses- Can't you just get out of the car? I need to talk to Bella on some serious issues.

TDIB: Oh, and leave me here cold and lonely in the middle of the road that is full of perverted drunks and horny drug addicts?! You wouldn't do that to Bella!

Edward: Trouble is, you're not Bella.

TDIB: Look, how 'bout this…You bite me, and I'll leave you guys alone. Forever.

Edward: I dunno…You're gonna die soon, so nah…

TDIB: -smugly- Well, if you insist…-Takes deep breath-

Edward: -interrupts TDIB- Sing 'Kung Fu Fighting' again, and I will literally scream.

TDIB: -brightly- Okay! _Everybody was kung-fu fighting!_

Edward: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

TDIB: Tsk tsk tsk, Mr Edward Potty-Mouth Cullen, and I thought you were a gentleman!

Edward: -glares- Just get out. I need to seriously talk to Bella about stuff that is not for your ears.

TDIB: -rolls eyes- Oh please, I already know that you're a vampire that likes her blood, your black eyes turn gold when you hunt animals, you can read minds and there are such things as werewolves/shape-shifters in La Push.

Edward: …

Bella: -writes it all on a serviette- Eyes…Turn…Gold…Mind…Reading…Were…Wolves…La…Push…Vampire…

Edward: Okay, we're here. –Pulls up in front of Swan residence-

Bella: -smiles- Thanks…-Gets out of car-

TDIB: -turns to Edward- So what time are you gonna show up at Bella's window tonight, huh?

Edward: I, unlike you, do NOT stalk people.

TDIB: But I, unlike you, do NOT hang around people's windows and watch them sleep-talk, okay?

Edward: -suddenly just speeds off down the street-

Bella: -turns to TDIB- Well thank you, bitch! I just screwed up my chance of making conversation with him!

TDIB: Hey! It's not _my_ fault that he refused to bite me, okay!

Bella: -rolls eyes- You bitch…

**So yep, that's the end of another crappy plotline part…**

**I hope everyone doesn't get the H1N1 virus (commonly known as Swine flu), and even if you do, I hope you'll get well soon! (And don't go to Mexico!)**

**Adios, Amigos! **

**Next up: Parody on a Parody (Part 4)!**


	16. Chapter 16: A Parody on a Parody! Part 4

**Hello again! Sorry about not updating sooner – Blame the usual suspects of homework, evil teachers and a new puppy, okay? It's the holidays for me now, though, so expect more updates than usual :). Now, on with the story!**

**Disclaimer: (In Morse Code) .. / -.. --- / -. --- - / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- .. -. --. / --- .-- -. / - .-- .. .-.. .. --. .... - --..-- / . -.. .-- .- .-. -.. .----. ... / ... .- .-.. .. ...- .- --..-- / .- -. -.-- / ... --- -. --. ... / .-- .. - .... / -.. .. .- -- --- -. -.. ... --..-- / .----. -.. --- / .-. . / -- .. .----. / --- .-. / . -.. .-- .- .-. -.. .-.-.- / .-- .... .. -.-. .... / .. ... / ... .... .. - --..-- / .----. -.-. .- ..- ... . / .. / .-- .- -. - / .... .. -- .-.-.- / -... ..- - / .. / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- .. -. --. / -.-. .- -. .----. - .-.-.- / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- .-.-.- * (See end of chappie for the translation)**

Plot No.13 – A Parody on a Twilight Parody (Part 4)

_Previously…_

TDIB: -turns to Edward- So what time are you gonna show up at Bella's window tonight, huh?

Edward: I, unlike you, do NOT stalk people.

TDIB: But I, unlike you, do NOT hang around people's windows and watch them sleep-talk, okay?

Edward: -suddenly just speeds off down the street-

Bella: -turns to TDIB- Well thank you, bitch! I just screwed up my chance of making conversation with him!

TDIB: Hey! It's not _my_ fault that he refused to bite me, okay!

Bella: -rolls eyes- You bitch…

_Setting – Forks High School Cafeteria_

_Time – 1:30pm, Friday_

Edward: -leans over the table towards Bella- Do you honestly think you care more for me than I do for you?

Bella: -nods-

Edward: You're wrong.

Bella: -stammers- But…I…I-

TDIB: -interrupts the moment- Hey, peeps! How's the romance going?

Edward: -growls- Oh great…You again…

TDIB: -looks hurt- What…? You mean…You don't like me? –Puppy dog teary eyes- But…but… I THOUGHT WE HAD A CONNECTION!!! YOU'RE FUCKING TELLING ME THAT YOU WERE LEADING ME ON?! –Sobs- HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME?! ME!!! YOUR ONE TRUE LOVE!!! –Realises that the whole entire cafeteria is staring at her- Hehe…Ignore me, you fatsos, lard-asses and blubber-bums, and go back to shoving excess grease and sugar down your well-oiled mouth and into your cholesterol-lined, butter-coated stomach!

Jessica: -pokes her stomach- Oh God…She's right! I am gaining weight! –Runs out of the cafeteria- Why?! WHY?! WHY AM I SO FAT?! –Sprints towards the bathrooms crying-

Angela: -shakes head- There she goes again…Vomiting in the toilets…

Bella: -looks towards Jessica- Hey! That was mean, okay?! She was my friend!

TDIB: -snorts- Wow, some friend _you_ have…After Eddie-puss dumps you for about a month, you'll see how much of a friend she was…-Mutters- That stuck-up, preppy, bitchy bimbo…

Bella: No way! She was nice to me!

TDIB: -rolls eyes- If you don't believe me, you could always ask Edward – He was the one who was in her head the whole time…

Edward: Hey! Don't drag me into this!

TDIB: -grins sheepishly- Too late…-Shrugs- Besides, it's not _my_ fault that Jessica is an anorexic, self-conscious bitch…

Edward: -glares at TDIB- Look, I don't like you, and you don't like me, b-

TDIB: But I like you! Heck, I LOVE YOU!!!

Edward: Whatever. You like me, but I don't like you-

TDIB: Well, if you get to know me better, you'll probably like me…

Edward: Dear God, I fucking read minds! I know what you're like, and I DON'T BLOODY LIKE YOU!!!

TDIB: -pants- I-I-I…I got yelled at by the angel Edward Anthony Masen Cullen! –Sigh- That was my dream…

Edward: -rolls eyes-

TDIB: -finds Edward's spittle on her shirt- OME!!! I also got spat on by Edward!!! There must be venom inside!!! –Gets the nearest knife and tries to cut herself-

Edward: HEY!!! –Knocks the knife out of her hands-

TDIB: Oi! I was about to cut myself with that!

Bella: -mutters- Wow…You're crazy _and_ you're emo…

TDIB: -shakes head- Nope, not emo…I just want to get Edward's spit into my blood stream before it dries on my shirt.

Bella: -gestures to TDIB's hands- But I could see blood oozing out of your really dry skin…-Shrugs- Unless you want to infect yourself…

TDIB: Yeah, I do want to be what Edward is, and you would too, later on…

Bella: -under her breath- Okay, DEFINITELY crazy…

Edward: -growls- Can you just bloody fuck off, bitch?!

TDIB: You're saying to me, or to Bella?

Edward: You, idiot.

TDIB: -snorts- Well…I might as well leave spectacularly. –Throws a piece of pizza at Jessica, who came back from the toilets-

Jessica: -high-pitch squeal- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MY FACE!!! MY FACE!!! I just put foundation and botox on it!!! –Tries to hurl a bowl of chips at TDIB, but she disappears and hits Mike instead-

Mike: HEY! That fucking hurts, okay?! –Throws salad at Angela, and thus start a food fight-

TDIB: -cackles- AWESOME!!! –Starts shoving food at other random people-

Edward: …

Bella: …

Edward: … -Turns to Bella- So…Saturday, 11am, your house? It'll be sunny, so I'll take you to somewhere special, okay? –Dodges a hamburger bun-

Bella: -momentarily dazzled- Um…Yeah…Sure…

TDIB: -runs back towards them- HE'S GONNA RAPE YOU!!!

Edward: -roars- NO I'M NOT!!!

TDIB: -whispers to Bella- He's mine, bitch! MINE! –Disappears-

Edward: She's weird, isn't she?

Bella: -nods- Yep…

_Setting: Edward's Meadow_

_Time: 2:30 pm, Saturday_

TDIB: -in a high-pitched chipmunk voice- "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…" -Over dramatic swoon- "What a stupid lamb…" "What a sick, masochistic lion…" –Sigh-

Edward: -while holding Bella- Hey! I was about to say that!

TDIB: -angrily- Get your own quote! –Shrugs- 'Sides, shouldn't you be holding _me_?!

Edward: Why should I?

TDIB: Um…Because I love you, and you love me?

Bella: And we're a happy family! –Giggles- Hehe, that was random…

TDIB: -whispers to Edward- Don't give her heroin next time, okay?

Edward: -warily- Okay then…

TDIB: -starts singing out of tune-_ Diamonds are a girl's best friend…_

Edward: -shakes head- If only I had a dollar for every time some random fan girl came up to me and start singing that shitty song…

Bella: -joins in with TDIB- _Diamonds are a girl's best friend…_

Edward: Oh great…Sweet, innocent Bella has joined the dark side…

TDIB: -grins- Is that supposed to be a pun?

Edward: No! Now get lost! You just spoiled the moment!

TDIB: -evilly- Excellent…Mission accomplished! –Disappears-

Bella: Wow…That was quick…

Edward: -nods- …Now, where was I? -Strokes Bella's cheek-

TDIB: -reappears- Well, the last time I checked…You were about to rape her.

Edward: Dear GOD! Can't you just leave us alone?!

TDIB: …Nope…

Bella: -begs- Please leave us alone…We'll do anything to make you leave us alone…

Edward: BELLA! NO!

TDIB: -grins evilly- Hmmm…Anything, eh? –Rolls up jacket sleeves- Bite me, Edward! BITE ME!!!

Edward: Hell no! –Dramatically- NEVER!!!

TDIB: -whines- Why not?!

Edward: Because the mere thought of you living forever is just…-Shudders-

TDIB: -shrugs- Well, in that case…-Starts dancing around the couple while singing to the tune of 'Do Re Mi'- _Dough, the stuff that buys my beer, Ray, the guy that sells me beeeeeeeeer. Me, the person that drinks the beer, Far, the distance to my beeeeeeeeeeeer…_

Edward: -hisses- Can't you just go an-

Bella: -interrupts Edward- Wait, hang on. –Turns to TDIB- Can you keep going?

Edward: What?!

Bella: -blushes- Renee also played a lot of songs from 'The Sound of Music' at home…

Edward: -mutters- I'm pretty sure they didn't mention anything about beer…

TDIB: -continues- _So, I think I'll have some beeeeeeeeeeeeer! La, la la la la la beeeeeeeeeeeeeeer! Tea, no thanks I want some beeeeeeeeeeeeeer! And that brings us back to Do!_ Everybody now! –Proceeds to sing the whole song again while Bella sings the solfa notes-

Edward: -shakes head- Dear God…

TDIB: -disappears but reappears immediately with an opened can of beer- Have some beer, Edward! It's better than heroin!

Edward: -takes the can, rips one end open, and splashes it all over TDIB-

TDIB: -in a cackling, high-pitched sound- EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! I'M MELTING, I'M MELTING!!! -Dramatically falls onto the floor while being drenched in beer- Eek…

Edward: -politely- Now please leave us alone.

TDIB: -glares, before disappearing-

Edward: -looks at the time- Well, it's nearly dinner time.

Bella: …

Edward: -chuckles- You're dazzled again, aren't you?

Bella: …Wha...?

Edward: We- -Is interrupted by a beer-free TDIB slamming a cream pie in his face-

TDIB: -triumphantly- Take THAT, Eddie-puss!

Bella: -ponders- Hmmm…Eddie-puss…I like that nickname…

Edward: -wipes cream off his face- You damn fucking BITCH!!!

TDIB: -shrugs, before jumping onto him and start licking his face-

Edward: -tries to push her off gently- Argh, get off me!

TDIB: -innocently- But I'm just helping you with getting all that yummy cream off your sexily perfect face…-Keeps licking his face like a lollipop- It might take a while though…

Bella: -timidly- Edward, you can always use your shirt an-

TDIB: Bella! Shush! –Goes back to her licking- Mmmm…Edward-flavoured cream…-Sigh- I've always dreamt about this…

Edward: -mutters- Stupid, screwed up, stalking fan girls…

TDIB: -manic grin- You think _I'm _screwed up? Bella will be after you take her out for vampire baseball…-Disappears-

Bella: -with a WTF look- What does she mean?

Edward: -shrugs- I don't really know…She's crazy though…

Bella: -nods- Definitely…

**Yeppers, another end…**

**IMPORTANT NOTE!!! PLEASE READ!!!**

**Unfortunately, I won't be posting up "OMC!!! You're Principal is a Vampire!!!". A couple of weeks ago, someone in my grade posted up a quiz on Facebook on what type of label you are (eg. Typical Asian, Emo, Slut, etc). She got suspended because she used photos of people as examples of these labels. Following that, I decided not to post the story, which contained actual embarassing moments that my friends wouldn't like the Internet population read. So, at least for me, it is not worth being suspended over, and that I'll definitely lose some of my friends, who would beat the living crap out of me for even being shown as crazy Twilighters. It's also because I've got too much work this year and next year, in which I can only focus on one story if I was to get relatively good marks. So very very very sorrrrrrrrrrrry!!! :(**

**Thanks to TeamVampire for being my awesome beta!**

**The Dawn Is Breaking**

**Next chappie: A Parody on a Parody (Part 5)**

***I do not fucking own Twilight, Edward's saliva, any songs with diamonds, 'Do Re Mi' or Edward. Which is shit, 'cause I want him. But I fucking can't. Fuck.**


	17. Chapter 17: A Parody on a Parody! Part 5

**I don't know how many times I actually say this, but I'm so uber sorry for the long update. The school holidays are almost over, the teachers have once again managed to screw up my holidays, and in two days time, my life is going to be more stressed than now. –Sigh- But enough of my whining, and onto the story!**

**Disclaimer: The day that I own Twilight will be the day that the world revolves around me…And if the world revolves around me, humanity wouldn't be able to function properly. So no, I don't own Twilight. Damn.**

Plot No. 13 – A Parody on a Twilight Parody (Part 5)

_Previously…_

Edward: -mutters- Stupid, screwed up, stalking fan girls…

TDIB: -manic grin- You think _I'm _screwed up? Bella will be after you take her out for baseball…-Disappears-

Bella: -with a WTF look- What does she mean?

Edward: -shrugs- I don't really know…She's crazy though…

Bella: -nods- Definitely…

_Setting – The Cullen House_

_Time – 11am, Sunday _

Esme: -smiles warmly- Welcome to our house Bella.

Bella: -blushes- Thank yo- -Is suddenly interrupted by TDIB appearing on the piano-

TDIB: -looks at Bella- Oh, she's not dead yet. –Mutters- She's not gonna last…

Edward: -tries not to snap in front of his parents- Carlisle, Esme, this is Bella Swan.

TDIB: -grins- And I'm the awesomely wonderfully annoying bitch 'The Dawn Is Breaking'!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!! –Proceeds to play 'Chopsticks' on the piano-

Rosalies-Evil-Twin: -suddenly appears at the top of the staircase- And _I_ –flicks blonde hair- am the GORGEOUS Rosalie Hale. –Looks into the mirror-

Bella: -in awe- Really?

Everyone else in the family: -snorts- No…

Rosalies-Evil-Twin: (to Bella) –sneers- You ugly fuck-tard…

TDIB: -plays opening part of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony- Da da da dum!

Edward: -rushes up towards the staircase- You did _not_ just called my Bella that…

TDIB: -sings- Da da da DUM!

Alice: -appears on top of the staircase just as Rosalies-Evil-Twin disappears- Hey Bella!

TDIB: -rolls eyes- Oh great…It's that midget shopaholic again…-Starts banging on the piano keys-

Edward: -while gritting his teeth- Can…You…Please…Stop…Doing…That?

TDIB: -innocently- Doing what, Cedric, I mean, Edward?

Edward: -mutters- Can you _please_ not refer to me as Cedric Diggory? It's kind of annoying…

Rosalies-Evil-Twin: -appears next to TDIB- OMG! He _does_ look like Ceddy! –Starts singing 'Hedwig's Theme'-

TDIB: Or…-Gasps- Cedric Diggory died and is reincarnated as the smexy vampire Edward Cullen! Yes! –Clings onto Edward's arm- Ceddy, can you take to Hogwarts some time? I really want to become a witch…

Edward: -reads TDIB's mind- And meet vampires and werewolves?

TDIB: -grins- And that…

Edward: And do one of those '250 Things I will not do at Hogwarts' lists?

TDIB: -mumbles- Well, that would be good idea…

Edward: -ignores the fan girls- Well Bella, our house are usually not filled with these mentally retarded people-

TDIB: -hyperactively- But they will be soon!

Rosalies-Evil-Twin: -stops singing- Wait…This isn't the Forks' Mental Asylum?!

Carlisle: -with a WTF look- No…

Rosalies-Evil-Twin: -sputters- But…but…-Gestures to Carlisle- You're the doctor, Esme's definitely the nurse, Alice doesn't eat anything 'cause she's anorexic, Jasper's there to mellow out the emotions, Bella's just plain stupid, and Edward actually qualifies for six out of the seven conditions that makes up a sociopath!

TDIB: -hisses- You did _not_ just call Edward Anthony Masen Cedric Diggory Cullen a sociopath, bitch…

Rosalies-Evil-Twin: -evilly- Like, yeah bitch…

TDIB: -growls- You are _so_ gonna pay! –Punches Rosalies-Evil-Twin-

Rosalies-Evil-Twin: -rubs cheek- Hey! That hurts!

TDIB: -smugly- Exactly. –Disappears when Rosalies-Evil-Twin tries to attack her-

Rosalies-Evil-Twin: -screams at the vacant spot that was once TDIB- YOU BETTTER GET YOUR SORRY ARSE BACK HERE, BITCH!!! –Disappears as well-

Bella: -coughs- Well, that was interesting…

Alice: This doesn't happen that often, if you want to know…

Bella: -mutters- Damn…

Edward: …Oh, by the way, I can play the piano!

Jasper: -rolls eyes- Wow, random much?

Bella: -jumps up and down- Ooh, play Edward! Play!!!

-TDIB, along with a group of other fan girls, appears just as Edward is about to move to the piano-

TDIB: -with a loudspeaker- Okay, midgets near the front, taller people near the back, okay? No pushing, no shovin- Hey! –Gestures to Rosalies-Evil-Twin and TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes whacking each other with their portable stools- No fighting!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -whines- Oh c'mon! –Points to Rosalies-Evil-Twin- She insulted James! JAMES!!!

TDIB: -rolls eyes- Well, hit her when the show ends, okay?

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -mutters- This better be good…I paid ten bucks for…What's going on?

Edward: -walks over- Yeah, what _is_ going on?

Fan girls: -collective gasp- …EDWARD!!!

Edward: …Shit. –Runs away at vampire speed-

Carlisle: -calls out- JUST BECAUSE WE REVEALED THE SECRET TO BELLA DOES _NOT_ MEAN YOU CAN SHOW OFF YOUR VAMPIRIC TALENTS TO OTHER GIRLS!

Edward: -while hiding in a random bedroom- They already know about us!

Carlisle: What?!

SparklingTopazEyes: -looks around- OME, I'm in the Cullen House! Woot! –Runs up the staircase to inspect the bedrooms-

Alice: -calls out- I wouldn't go in that bedroom if I was y-

SparklingTopazEyes: -screams- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Alice: -sighs- Emmett and Rosalie are reliving their honeymoon again…

SparklingTopazEyes: -rushes back down- My eyes…-Sniffs- Aaah…

TDIB: -comforts SparklingTopazEyes- It's okay…Join the club…You're not the only one who saw those two…Um…In their full glory…-Shudder-

Rosalie: -comes running out with a towel wrapped around her- Okay, who the fuck was that?! –Glares at Bella- Was it _you_?!

Edward: -angrily- Bella didn't even go anywhere near you!

Rosalie: -sneers- Oh, so now you're choosing that stupid human perv over your family now?

TDIB: -whispers to Rosalies-Evil-Twin- This is like the vampire version of 'Desperate Housewives', isn't it?

Rosalies-Evil-Twin: -nods- Oh yeah…

Edward: Look Rose-

Rosalie: -cuts in- Edward, I do not know what the hell you're thinking, but it's clearly obvious she's the only human girl here!

Edward: Um…

TDIB: -appears next to Rosalie- Hey Ho-salie! Long time no see! –Grins- Did you gain weight?

Rosalie: -screeches- You? _You?! _YOU!!! AGAIN?!

Rosalies-Evil-Twin: -pops up next to TDIB- Hey sis! I'm your twin! WOOH! –Hugs Rosalie-

Rosalie: -looks disgusted- Well, obviously not, 'cause my twin sister wouldn't turn out _that_ ugly…-Flips hair-

Rosalies-Evil-Twin: -growls-

TDIB: -pushes Rosalies-Evil-Twin back towards the staircase- Okay Edward, are you ready?

Edward: -reads TDIB's mind- Oh hell no! I'm not doing _that_ in front of these people!

TDIB: -whines- Oh come ON! You had _decades_ of experience! Plus, they all paid me ten dollars each just for this! –Shrugs- Besides, it's not as if we're going to criticise you too harshly, okay?

ShadowCatcher: Yeah! Everyone else has set up their stools and seats! –Points to the fan girls that are clustered around Edward's piano-

Edward: -glares- If I choose _not_ to play the piano in front of you obsessive stalking fan girls, you can't make me!

TDIB: Fine then. –Walks downstairs with Rosalies-Evil-Twin- Bella, do you want to see Edward play?

Fan Girls: -chants- PLAY PLAY PLAY PLAY PLAY PLAY PLAY PLAY!!!

Bella: -blushes- Um…-Nods-

Fan Girls: -cheers- YAY!!!

TDIB: -smugly- Well, you heard her! –Whips out a microphone and walks over to the piano- Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the stage the sexiest pianist that has ever walked the face of this earth – EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CEDRIC DIGGORY CULLEN!!!

-The Fan Girls scream and swoon as Edward is being pushed by Alice-

Esme: -wipes away imaginary tears- Ohh…I finally get the chance to see my Edward perform in front of his fans…-Sigh-

Edward: Um…Okay then…-Is about to play, before TeamVampire tackles him-

TeamVampire: -squeals- I LOVE YOU!!! –Kisses Edward-

Edward: -growls- If any of you do that one more time, I'm not going to play!

TDIB: -drags TeamVampire back towards her seat- Do continue, O sexy piano-God…

Fan Girls: -almost mechanically- Yes…Do continue…-Drools-

Edward: -shudders, before playing Bella's Lullaby-

SparklingTopazEyes: -swoons- Isn't this the best song ever?

TeamVampire: Why can't you be _my_ boyfriend?!

TDIB: -after Edward finishes Bella's Lullaby and Esme's Favourite- Okay folks! That's all for now!!!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -whines- That's _all_?! I paid ten fucking dollars for _that_?!

SparklingTopazEyes: Are you kidding?! That was so worth it! –Sigh- Edward…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -mutters- Still…I could've used the money to buy me a James poster…

Edward: -sigh- My life sucks…

**Er…Yeah…That's the end…**

**Well, now that school's almost starting, don't expect updates too often. –Sigh- Stupid teachers…**

**So, the next instalment would be the last one for this really long plotline. I don't know what plotline I'll do next, but I do have a lot of ideas that I'm slowly working on. Thanks to all the readers and reviewers out there! I salute to you!**

**Next chappie – A Parody on a Parody (Part 6) **


	18. Chapter 18: A Parody on a Parody! Part 6

**Hello again! Yes, after about three months of not updating, after homework, assessments and the yearly exams, I have FINALLY uploaded the sixth and last part of this plotline! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! –Cough- …Okay, I'll shut up now…**

**Disclaimer: The only day that I'm Stephenie Meyer is Halloween…And even then, I still don't own Edward. So there's pretty much no point in impersonating her. –Sigh-**

Plot No. 13 – A Parody on a Twilight Parody (Part 6)

_Previously…_

Edward: -sigh- My life sucks…

_Setting – The Meadow_

_Time – 5pm, Sunday_

TDIB: -walking alongside Bella- Look Bella, I don't know what the fuck you're thinking, but you, whose severe unco-ness could be classified as a disability, are watching a couple of vampires playing modified _baseball_?

Bella: -rolls eyes- You're Australian. What do you know about baseball, anyway?

TDIB: …Erm…You hit a ball with a bat, while fat spectators cheer on with hotdogs and tomato sauce dribbling down their mouths…

Bella: -ponders- Funny, that's what I was thinking as well…

TDIB: The point being, do you have to choose today, of all days, to play baseball? –Creepily- There be vampires vanting to suuuuuuuck your VLOOOOOOOOOOD!!! –Hisses-

Bella: -shrugs- So what else is new?

TDIB: -sigh- Fine then. I didn't think I'll resort to this, but…-Takes out a baseball bat- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! –Tries to hit Bella, but is blocked by Edward-

Edward: -glares- Bella will be fine, okay? –Smugly- She's got seven vampires protecting her.

TDIB: -coolly- Fine then. If she gets killed by James, then don't blame me. –Disappears-

Bella: …Who?

Edward: Never mind, I thought you knew by now – That bitch is crazy…-Kisses Bella- Well, its game on…

-After about ten minutes into the game-

TDIB: -appears with TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes- Well Bella, you might want to go now.

Bella: -glares- Why?!

TDIB: -gestures to Alice-

Alice: -breaks off- Oh shit shit shit shit shit…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -brightly- He's coming, the God of Sexiness is coming!!!

TDIB: …But Edward's just over there…-Points to him across the playing field-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -rolls eyes- Ew, I'm mean James!

TDIB: James! Ew!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Edward! Ew!

TDIB: Jacob! Ew!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Mike! Ew!

Bella: -cuts in- Guys, what's going on?

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -hyperactively- Look…-Points to the three vampires emerging-

TDIB: -smugly- Told you so, Eddie-puss. –Disappears with TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes-

Laurent: -steps forward- I'm Laurent, yes, I'm a black vampire, and no, I am not from Jamaica. Please don't ask.

Emmett: -mutters- Damn…

Laurent: This ranger vampire is Victoria, and this one James-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -appears- OMG!!! JAMES!!! –Wraps arms around him-

Everyone else: o_O

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -glares at everyone- What? DON'T JUDGE ME!!! –Plants a kiss on James-

Victoria: -hisses- Get your filthy human hands off my man, bitch.

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -ignores Victoria- Don't bother hunting down Bella. –Winks- You could track _me_ anytime…-Giggles-

Edward: Yeah, track her! Just don't take, erm, anyone else…Yeah…Hehe…-Gestures to TDIB- I wouldn't particularly mind if you take her as well.

TDIB: HEY!

Edward: -shrugs- Well, you _are_ annoying. Besides, I'll probably be redeemed by God for ridding the world of you and your fan-girly-ness…

TDIB: -sniff- But…but…but…-Chokes up- I thought we had something special! I THOUGHT WE WERE MEANT TO BE!!! –Sobs- I mean, why else would you save me from those raping pricks in Port Angeles?!

Edward: -sighs- You know, that rant only barely worked the first time.

TDIB: -hysterically- How could you?! HOW?! You're supposed to be a gentleman, Edward! A GENTLEMAN!!!

Edward: -to James- See what I mean?

James: -ponders thoughtfully- Hmmm…They're your problems. Deal with them yourselves. –Shrugs- They're just humans.

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -protests- Hey! I'm a ninja! Look! –Proceeds to show off ninja moves-

James: -whispers to Edward- Nearest mental hospital is in Seattle, if you must know.

Edward: -nods- I don't think they're going to stay there for long…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -gasp- OMG! I just got a brilliant idea!

Edward: -shakes head- Oh Jesus…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -runs towards James and looks under his jacket- Yes! YOU DO HAVE A SIX PACK! –Eyes them- And a very sexy six-pack too…

TDIB: -shakes head- God...Why me...

James: -glares- You think you got problems?! At least no one is looking at YOUR stomach...

-A sudden breeze rustles through-

Cullens + Bella: …Shit…

James: -sniffs air- Mmmm…Human blood…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -grins- That'll be me, thank you very much. I know you want me…-Bats eyes at him-

Victoria: God damnit James! It's the brunette one! The other two crazy bitches don't smell like freesias!

TDIB: -mutters- Well, if you let me spray some deodorant on…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Noooooooooo James! –Clings onto him- It's me! ME!!!

Edward: -jabs at the fan girls- Yeah! It's them! THEM!

James: -evilly to the Cullens- Hmmm…You bought a snack.

TDIB: -nods- So did. –Takes out chocolate bar and starts munching on it-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -looks over- Can I have some?

TDIB: -suspiciously- I don't know…You get too hyper if you have more sugar…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -rolls eyes- So do you!

TDIB: -sweetly- Okay then. –Spits on chocolate- Want some?

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Ew, that's just gross an- -Suddenly drops to the ground and starts snoring-

Everyone else: …WTF?

Jasper: -sheepishly- Er…She was getting annoying…

Edward: -nods- Agreed.

TDIB: -nudges TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes with her foot- Dude, wake up! James the vampire bastard's still here…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -suddenly wakes up- HE IS NOT A FUCKING BASTARD, OKAY?! –Pants- …Edward is…

TDIB: -gasp- You didn't, bitch! How could you?! –Starts punching match, before both disappear-

Edward: …Erm…Right then…

James: -manic grin- Yep, it's this human girl over here. –Points at Bella-

Cullens: -automatically jumps in front of Bella and hisses-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -appears again with TDIB- NO IT'S NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!! –Desperately- It's me, it's ME!!! I'm the one you want!

Victoria: (to TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes) I don't know what the hell your problem is, but my PARTNER is unavailable to an ugly human nerd like you…

TDIB: -pipes up- Who also likes anime and manga, by the way…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: …And that's a bad thing now?

Everyone else: -in unison- Yes.

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: You guys are mean! –Takes James' arm- C'mon sweetie, let's get away from these horrible people…

James: -shakes off TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes- Ah…-Licks lips- How interesting…-Gets shoved off in the opposite direction by Victoria and Laurent-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -runs after them- Wait for me, James! WAIT FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Edward: -drags Bella to the jeep- We better get away! –Turns to TDIB- You get lost, okay? I don't want you screwing up our rescue mission.

TDIB: -rolls eyes- You don't need me here to screw up a rescue mission. Bella's enough. –Disappears-

-After dramatic moment of Bella leaving home, going to hotel, etc-

TDIB: -appears on the sofa with Alice- So what did I miss? –Turns to Bella- Man, I feel sorry for Charlie. That was a bit harsh.

Bella: -bitingly- Thanks for that, moron.

TDIB: -grins- You're welcome! Don't worry, I've sent TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes to distract James. It'll help you buy some time.

Bella: But…I know she's just as annoying as you, but wouldn't she get killed or something?

TDIB: -shrugs- She actually volunteered, to be honest with you. So long as it's James that's killing her, I don't really think she minds…

Alice: -snaps out of her vision- TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes will be fine though. –Mutters- Unfortunately…

TDIB: -looks around the hotel room- Is there any food here?! I'm hungry!

Alice: Go look in the fridge an- -Breaks off and has a vision-

TDIB: -takes out packet of chips- It's a ballet studio in Arizona, isn't it? Bella used to go there as a kid, right? –Snickers- When she was a bit less clumsy…

Bella: -stares- How do you know?

TDIB: -grins- I told you. I'm God.

Bella: -gasp- What else do you know?!

TDIB: -ponders- …Edward will marry me.

Bella: -glares- Damn you, God…

Jasper: -ignores TDIB- Alice, sweetheart, tell us.

TDIB: -sighs- No one ever listens to me…-Disappears-

-Flash-forward a couple of minutes-

TDIB: -appears next to Bella- We're alone, right?

Bella: Yeah. Alice and Jasper just went off to pick up Edward from the airport an- -Mobile phone suddenly starts ringing-

TDIB: -screams- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! –Snatches phone and smashes it on the table-

Bella: -angrily- HEY! THAT COULD BE EDWARD!!!

TDIB: No it's not! It's James! JAMES!!!

-A second phone starts ringing-

Bella: -smugly- Thank God for a back-up phone. –Quickly takes the call before TDIB can wreck it again- Hello? Edward?

-Meanwhile, in a ballet studio-

James: -on the phone- You know who I am, so shut up and listen up carefully…

-Back at the hotel-

TDIB: -screams- HE'S LYING!!! HE'S FUCKING LYING!!! HE DOESN'T HAVE YOUR MUM!!! TRUST ME ON THAT ONE!!! –Takes deep breath and starts singing some random tune- LA LA LA LA LA LA LAAAAAAAAAA-

Bella: -bellows to TDIB- Will you just SHUT UP!!! I can't hear him, and it's important!

TDIB: -ignores Bella- HE DOESN'T HAVE YOUR MUM!!! IT'S A VIDEO RECORDING!!!

-At the ballet studio-

James: I have your mum, and if you don't come, she'll be kil-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -yells- Don't bother tracking her, James! YOU'LL DIE!!! –Sobs- I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!!!

James: -covers the phone- Will you just piss OFF?! You're ruining the mood!!!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: James! Why bother finding Bella when you could have me?!

James: -hisses- If you don't shut up, I will kill you and suck your blood…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -brightly- Okay! –Breathes in deeply- HEY TDIB!!! JAMES IS HOT!!! EDWARD'S NOT!!! SUCK!!!

-Back at the hotel-

Bella: -holds phone away- Ow, I think TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes is screaming into the phone…

TDIB: -listens to TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes- Oh hell NO! –Snatches phone- We are not having this argument again, bitch! You and I both know Edward is WAY hotter!

Bella: GIMME BACK MY PHONE!!! -Takes it back-

-In the ballet studio-

James: -impatiently taps his foot- Can you get off the phone now? You're kinda screwing up my master plan…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -mutters- I wouldn't mind you screwing me-

James: -takes phone away- Okay, get here ASAP if you want to see your mum again. Ciao! –Hangs up-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -with a WTF look- What sort of egotistical villain says 'Ciao' to their victim?

James: Me, now SHUT UP!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -shrugs- You might be an egotistical villain that says 'Ciao', but you're still sexy…

-Back at the hotel room (again…)-

Bella: -splayed out on the floor- You…-Pants- Are… -Pants- A …-Pants- Moron…

TDIB: -triumphantly holds up a turned-off mobile phone- Finally…Someone who is more unco than me…

Bella: -sputters- But…but…but…HE'S GOT MY MUM!!!

TDIB: -rolls eyes- C'mon! Don't be such a wuss! –Mutters- No wonder you barely survived my tackle…

Bella: Hey! That was uncalled for! I just have a phone in my hand!

TDIB: Which would almost lead you to your death if you listened any longer!

Bella: -sobs- But my mum! MUM!!!

TDIB: She's fine. You don't need to worry about her. Believe me, I know.

Bella: How?!

TDIB: -shrugs- …I'm God.

Bella: -rolls eyes- Oh Jesus…-Storms out of hotel- I'm going to save Mum!

TDIB: -stares- Are you NUTS?! You're not going to sacrifice yourself for your mum, are you?

Bella: …I figure out a way to save the two of us…

TDIB: Dude, you, a klutzy teenage human girl, are going to save your mum from James, a blood-sucking _vampire_ who is capable of killing you in a hundred different ways. To be frank, if the Cullens don't come…You're screwed.

Bella: -chokes up- But…Mum…-Suddenly hails a taxi and drives off-

TDIB: -shakes head- There's no use saving her now…-Disappears-

-Meanwhile, back at the ballet studio-

James: -paces impatiently- C'mon, c'mon! When is she coming?!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -while watching 'Naruto' on TV- Well, I DID tell you to not waste your time on her when you could have me…

James: -ignores TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes- I've got the video recording here already, she better turn up soon…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Um…James?

James: -glares- What?

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -takes deep breath- …I love you…And I don't want you to die. So please…Drink my blood instead! –Shoves wrist into his face-

James: -shrugs- Ah, what the heck. She's not going to com-

-Is interrupted by Bella running into the studio-

Bella: -frantically- Mum! Mum! MUM!!!

TDIB: -pants- God damnit, Bella!

James: Holy shit! (To TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes) You, get your ass off the couch! I need to play the fucking video recording!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -whines- But I'm getting to the awesome part! –Jabs at the screen- They're fighting, James! FIGHTING! Ninjas! FIGHTING!!!

James: FUCK THE NINJAS! GET OFF NOW!!!

-Couple of metres away-

Bella: -stares at one of the closed rooms- I think I hear noises coming out…

TDIB: Yeah…I don't think it sounds like your mum though…-Mutters under her breath- That is, if she's even _here_, which I highly doubt…

Bella: -ignores TDIB- Is that…_Naruto_?

TDIB: -looks at Bella strangely- And you would know that…how?

Bella: -blushes- …Okay, I watch it! Once a week! –Pauses- Maybe twice…A day…

TDIB: -looks disgusted- You sicken me…

Bella: Hey! It was only recent!

TDIB: -shudders- And to think I want to help you…

Bella: Help? HELP?! You call smashing my mobile phone and tackling me HELP?!

-Back in the locked room-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -screeches- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Naruto! NARUTOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

James: -smashes TV screen- Fuck this whole thing. Bella's outside anyway. –Darts out-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -sniffs- …I still don't know who won that fight…-Follows James-

-Outside of the room…-

TDIB: One day, you'll appreciate whatever shit I'm doing at the moment.

Bella: -rolls eyes- Yeah, whateve- -Is interrupted by the door next to them being smashed-

James: -grins evilly- Hello Bella.

Bella: -desperately- Where's my mum?!

James/TDIB/TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -in unison- It's a video recording!

Bella: …Oh…Wow, I'm really stupid and gullible…

TDIB: -mutters- It gets worse. Much worse.

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: James, you better get out of here, the Cullens are com- -Is interrupted by Edward barging in-

TDIB/Bella: -cheers- YAY!!!

James/TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: …Fuck…

Edward: Bella!

Bella: Edward!

James: -rolls eyes- Oh heck. –Grabs Bella's hand and bites it-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -screams- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! IT SHOULD BE ME!!! ME!!!

Edward: -slow-motion- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! –Fights with James-

Bella: -writhes in pain- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Emmett: -runs in with Carlisle, Alice and Jasper- …So what did I miss?

Carlisle: Alice, help tend Bella's injuries, Edward, suck out the venom, the rest of you…FIGHT!!!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -steps in front of James protectively- Oh no! I'm not going to let you guys ruin my only chance at getting a vampire boyfriend who's sexy! BACK OFF!

TDIB: -grins- I've got matches! Can I burn James?

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: NO!

Jasper: -after knocking out TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes again for the second time- ...Yes.

TDIB: -beams- Thank you!

-Meanwhile, couple of metres away-

Carlisle: (to Edward) Suck it boy! Suck it!

Emmett: -while ripping out James' arm- Man, that took my mind to a really bad place…

Edward: -roars- GET BACK TO YOUR FIGHTING! –Looks at Bella's bite- …Holy shit…

Bella: -screams- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! –Takes deep breath- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

TDIB: -walks over- If it helps you, I've got some deodorant here that could mask the smell. It works for my armpits…

Carlisle: -ignores TDIB- Hurry up, before the venom spreads!

Edward: …Fine…-Sucks Bella's blood-

TDIB: -mutters- Dear God, this is boring…-Runs back to near the end of the fight- Can I light the bonfire?

Alice: -after piling wood- Yeah, go nuts.

TDIB: -evil chuckle- MwahahahahaahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Jasper: -after biting James' neck- Do you always have to do that?

TDIB: …Yes. Yes I do. –Shrugs- Gets me in the mood…-Sets pile on fire-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -groggily- Er…What just happen…

TDIB: -in a hillbilly accent- Welcome to the Arizona BBQ night! Today's special – Vampire!

Emmett: -drools- Mmmm…Vampire…-Throws James' arm into the fire-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -gasp- No…No…It can't be…-Sniffs air- Oh God…James…JAMES!!! –Sobs- NO! Don't die James! DON'T DIE!!! –Tries to run towards the fire, but was stopped by TDIB-

TDIB: -pats TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes on the shoulder- It's no use now. His arms and one of his legs have gone to a better place now. In other words, Hell.

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -wordlessly cries- What has James ever done to you stupid blood-suckers?! How could you?! –Sniffs-

TDIB: -to Emmett who was about to answer- I think it's a rhetorical question…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: I'll just save whatever's left of him! –Runs towards Jasper, who's about to put his torso in- DON'T!!! That's his six-pack! HIS SEXY SIX-PACK!!!

Jasper: -shrugs, before throwing it in the fire-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -cries again- Noooooooooooooooo…

TDIB: -calls out- Is everyone done yet?

Carlisle: Almost. Edward finished sucking Bella, so we're out in a couple of minutes.

TDIB: Eh, we can't make things any worse now. Let's go! –Drags TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes away from the fire-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -begs- Please…Let me burn with James…I want to follow him to Heaven…

TDIB: -rolls eyes- I really doubt that's where he's going, to be honest…-Both disappear-

Bella: -while Carlisle is bandaging her hand- Is that the last time we'll see any of them?

Alice: -snapping out of her vision-…No…-Swears under her breath-

-A couple of months later…-

Jacob: -taps Edward on the shoulder- Can I have a dance with Bella?

TDIB: -appears in a formal dress- Get your filthy hands off her, mutt, and piss off.

Bella: -glares at TDIB- Oh great…You again…

TDIB: And aren't I'm glad to see you too! –Looks at Jacob- Looks like I'm not the only one gatecrashing the prom…

Edward: -to Bella- You want a dance with…him? –Whispers in her ear- I think he has something to tell you…

TDIB: -cuts in- Don't let her! You'll regret it, Eddie-weddie…

Bella: -nods- I'll go then. I'm sure I'll be fine…

TDIB: Well if you're going with Jakey-wakey, than I go with Edwardo Cullenz!

Edward: -hisses- My name is not Edwardo Cullenz, and I'm not going to dance with you.

TDIB: -shrugs- That's what Mr Darcy said to Lizzie Bennett, and look where that went…

Edward: -shudders- Get that image out of your head, you sick person…

TDIB: -grins- Oh come ON! You look WAY hotter coming out of the lake than Colin Firth did, okay? What with the wet, almost transparent shirt sticking to your muscular chest a-

Edward: -angrily- Right then! Bella, you're coming with me! –Tugs her gently away-

TDIB: -cheers- YAY!

Jacob: -protests- But I barely even held her!

TDIB: -mutters- Don't worry. You'll have more opportunities to hold her tight…Unfortunately…-Follows Edward and Bella outside to the nearby bench-

Bella: …I want to be a vampire!

TDIB: -pipes up- Me too!

Edward: (to Bella) But I don't want to turn you into a monster-

TDIB: -interrupts him- Screw the prep talk! She's going to be a vampire anyway! –Creepily- In the worse possible way…

Edward: -growls- Can you just GO?!

TDIB: -sigh- Fine. I'll go. I'll give this moment to you, for the sake of the romance. (To Edward) Don't leave her if you don't want that Jacob-idiot having his filthy hands all over Bella's hips, waist, face-

Edward: -screams- JUST GO!!!

TDIB: -sigh- Jesus, okay! I'm just giving you advice…-Disappears-

Bella: Wow, a fan girl giving advice to you…Now that's a first…

Edward: -crooked grin- True, but I only love you though…-Kisses Bella-

Bella: -swoons- Ahhhh…-Faints-

Edward: -panics- Oh crap…Not again!

**Well, that's the end…It may not be funny, but I think it's just too cruel to actually ruin their most romantic moment…Entirely…**

**I'm heading into the last year of high school next term, which means there's going to be even more homework and other crap. So don't expect too many updates until near Christmas or something. I'm really sorry about this, but I want a really good mark next year. I'll update from time to time, but not often. Sorry :(**

**Next chappie – Bella's 'Time of the Month'!**


	19. Chapter 19: Bella's Time of the Month

**Hey everyone! Yep, it's now the holidays for me, so there should be more updates than usual! As always, sorry for the long update – I've started the last year of high school, so there's more work than I had anticipated, so yeah…ENJOY!**

**Disclaimer: **

**Me: -looks up to the heavens- Hmmm…I wonder…What would Jesus say now…?**

**Jesus: -appears out of nowhere- I'm not Stephenie Meyer! –Disappears-**

**Me: -glares at empty spot- Damn…**

Plot No.14 – Bella's 'Time of the Month'

_Setting_ – _The Bathroom, Bella's House_

_Time – 7am, Thursday_

Bella: -paces anxiously around the toilet- Oh shit…Oh shit…-Looks at the toilet bowl- Jesus…

TDIB: -appears- Problems, my dear Bella?

Bella: Um…um…-Blushes-…Yeah…

TDIB: What is it? –Grins stupidly- I can probably help.

Bella: …Yeah…It's my…erm…time of the…ah…month…

TDIB: -nods- True…I do miss Edward too, but you know him, he has to hunt. It's for your own good…

Bella: No, no, it's not that, it's just that…Well…-Sighs- I think this is the start of my…uh…bad week…

TDIB: -smiles- Ah, it's your yearly exams now! –Grins- Just calm down, do your best, and cram, okay? That usually works for me!

Bella: -getting slightly frustrated- Eh, no, it's not that, it's just that…I'm having a visitor at the moment, and…er…it'll be staying for the whole week…

TDIB: -trying to control her anger- Jacob is having a fucking week-long SLEEPOVER?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! DON'T YOU KNOW HE'S GONNA RAPE YOU OR SOMETHING?!

Bella: -screaming- JACOB IS NOT COMING!!! ARE YOU REALLY THAT STUPID TO NOT GET WHATEVER THE FUCK I'M TALKING ABOUT?! I'M- !!! –Suddenly breaks down and sobs-

-The sound of heavy footsteps thunder through the corridor. Both girls freeze-

Charlie: -knocks on the bathroom door outside- Bella? Are you okay?

Bella: -sniffs- Yeah…

Charlie: Then why are you crying? –Grows angry- Has that Edward kid done something to you again? I'll shoot him in the face if he dares lays a hand on you!

Bella: -hiccups- Nothing Dad, it's just that…I'm…acting…for the school assignment we have to do…Yeah…

Charlie: -suspiciously- Okay then Bella…-Walks off-

TDIB: -bursts out laughing- Really now? Honestly, a block of cheese can come up with a better excuse than _that_!

Bella: -blushes- Shut UP! It's all your fault anyway!

TDIB: -ponders- Hmmm…Are you having PMS or something? Do you have your period?

Bella: -glares- About bloody time as well!

TDIB: Hey! You could've just say it straight out! I'm a teenage girl as well! I know what it's like! You don't need to use all those lame euphemisms anyway!

Bella: -peers down her toilet bowl again- Oh great, what am I going to do now?! Edward's at school today, and…well…you know what would happen…It'll be awkward, I'm telling you…

TDIB: -grimaces slightly- Yes…I do know what would happen…-Throws a pack of pads and tampons at Bella- Just in case…

Bella: -after getting hit by a box of tampons- Don't you think I would be prepared for this?! I know when my…ah…cycles are…

TDIB: Like I said, just in case. –Shrugs- Besides, you wouldn't want to have a big red patch on your jeans, would you? –Grins- Especially in front of Edward…

Bella: -rolls eyes- Whateve- -Suddenly hears a knock on the door- OH MY GOSH NO HE CANNOT COME IN FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT!!! –Dashes down/Trips on the stairs, grabs a Pop Tart, and rushes to her front door- Edward? You can't come in yet…

-Meanwhile, outside…-

Edward: -calls out- Bella? You okay? What happened?!

Bella: (inside) Nothing much! Just…Erm…Stay in your car…And…I'll be out…Shortly…

Edward: -tries not to breathe- Bella? Are you bleeding?

Bella: Ah…Yeah…

TDIB: -giggles inappropriately- It's going to go on for a whole damn week!

Edward: -panics- OH MY GOD!!! –Kicks down the door, ninja style, while narrowing missing Bella- Quick, get the freaking First Aid kit! –Glares at TDIB- Make yourself goddamn useful and get the bandages! My Bella's bleeding to death and you're singing 'If You Were Gay' in your head?!

TDIB: -whines- It's a catchy song! –Sings- _If you were gay…That'd be okay…_

Bella: -sings as well- _I mean 'cause, hey…I'd like you anyway…_

Edward: -in a calm, soothing voice- Okay Bella…Just lie down and point at the place you're bleeding…

TDIB: !!!

Edward: -glares- You insensitive little…Gah! Bella's going to die and all you can do is laugh?!

Bella: -blushes- Um…I'm…Ah…It's okay, Edward. I'll be fine-

Edward: You will _not_ be fine! You're bleeding heavily somewhere, and there's nothing stopping the flow!

Charlie: -rushing down stairs dripping wet while being wrapped only in a towel- Holy shit! WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE FUCKING DOOR?! –Angrily- Edward…

Edward: Officer Swan, your daughter's bleeding somewhere, and-

Charlie: Was it because you somehow smashed the door and managed to cut her up?! –Cradles Bella- You okay, sweetie?

Bella: -protests- Dad, I'm fine!

Edward: It's her legs, isn't it? Your legs are bleeding, right?! BELLA!!! –Tries to yank up her jeans, but is stopped by Charlie-

Charlie: -growls- Touch her again, and I'll smash your face in! –Sees stunned faces from everyone else- …Er, and then I'll lock you up for sexual harassment…

Bella: -shouts- MY LEGS ARE _NOT_ BLEEDING!

Edward: -desperately- Well, you're bleeding SOMEWHERE! We need to stop it before you lose too much!

Bella: -fumbles- Um…TDIB! You explain to him!

TDIB: -with a WTF look- …Huh?

Bella: You tell them!

TDIB: -protests- Hey! Why me?! I'm just an innocent bystander he-

Edward: -interrupts her- Bella's life is on the line here! We need to know where she's fucking bleeding!!!

Charlie: Yeah! Tell us NOW!!!

TDIB: Erm…Well…Do you want me to say it straight out or do you want the watered-down version?

Edward: -frustrated- For Christ sake, SAY IT STRAIGHT OUT! DETAILS INCLUDED!!!

TDIB: -shrugs- Okay, you asked for it. –Takes deep breath- Well, right now, her unfertilised eggs are water-skiing on the crimson waterfall from her…Ah…Female Genitala…Yeah…Need I say more?

Edward: -wrinkles nose- …Oh…I see…

Charlie: -confused- …What?

TDIB: -bluntly- She's having her period.

Charlie: …Right then…-Blushes-…Um…I'll just…Go now…-Rushes outside to his police car-

TDIB: -seeing Edward's shocked face- Don't worry, it's natural…

-Couple of days later…-

_Setting – Living Room, the Cullen House_

_Time – 12:18pm, Saturday_

Esme: -looks at the white tacky Christmas decorations- Emmett? What are these?

Emmett: -skips happily down the stairs- Angels! –Rolls eyes- Duh…

Esme: -takes one down- Why are they made of cotton? And why are there bits of cotton fluff here? –Picks up scrunched-up pink plastic on the floor- And why do you have –reads label- 'Libra Super Pads' around?

Emmett: -shuffles feet- Well…Um…Ah…Erm…-Looks at Esme's disapproving glare- Don't worry! I'll return them to Bella once Christmas is over! Promise!

-Meanwhile…-

_Setting – Bathroom, Bella's House_

_Time – 12:26pm, Saturday_

Bella: -rummages through drawer- Edward? Have you seen my pads or tampons? I bought a whole pack of them yesterday…

Edward: -from outside- Yeah…About that…

Bella: -opens door- What?

Edward: Well…You see…Emmett decided to take your tampons and pads and make…little…Christmas angels…To decorate our house…

Bella: -screeches- He did WHAT?!

Edward: Look, do you want me to buy some more for you? I could steal some of Emmett's money…

Bella: -warily- Okay, but do you know which ones I need?

Edward: -smiles- Of course, my angel. I know everything about you! –Runs off-

Bella: -sigh- Whatever…I want chocolate…

-Half an hour later in the local supermarket…-

TDIB: -appears next to Edward- You know, you could always ask for help…

Edward: -through clenched teeth- I'm fine…I've been existing on this planet for at least a hundred years, okay? I know enough about a woman's…biological cycles…

TDIB: And yet you were still surprised when Bella had hers two days ago…

Edward: I was shocked, not surprised. There's a big difference…

TDIB: -with a weird look- Why were you shocked?! Bella's a teenage girl who has past puberty! Something like this should've happened sooner or later!

Edward: Shut up! Men in my day never enquire about their partner's…female problems…

TDIB: -rolls eyes- Just get the damn pads, will you?

Edward: -snorts- As if _that's_ easy…-Gestures to a whole shelf of different pads- Super? Regular? Light? Goodnights? MATERNITY?! Lightly scented, wings, no wings, thin, ultra thin, flexible shape, body shape…-Picks up random packet- INVISIBLE?!

TDIB: Dude, that's just the pads. You should see the tampons…

Edward: -turns to TDIB- Um…Can I ask you something?

TDIB: -sighs- Yes, I can help you find the pads you need, but on one condition.

Edward: -wrinkles nose- No.

TDIB: Please?

Edward: -reads TDIB's mind- No, I will not!

TDIB: Pretty please?

Edward: -angrily- What would Bella think?!

TDIB: Come on! What she doesn't know wouldn't hurt her!!!

Edward: -pleads- But…Bella…

TDIB: Just ONCE!!! Please?

Edward: -rolls eyes- FINE! I'll autograph the damn thing! –Snatches the Twilight Movie poster from TDIB-

TDIB: -grins innocently- You like it?

Edward: -glares- What happened to Bella's face?

TDIB: Well, it involved my photo, a computer, and Photoshop. You got to admit though, it looks WAY better now…

Edward: -with growing anger- You replaced my angel's face for YOUR FUGLY ONE?!

TDIB: Hey! Easy…

Edward: -grits teeth, before signing it- Happy now? YOU'RE HAPPYNOW?!

TDIB: Not quite. –Takes out red lipstick- Put this on and kiss it!

Edward: No!

TDIB: Yes!

Edward: No!

TDIB: Yes!

Edward: I say NO!

TDIB: I say YES!

Edward: -exasperated- Can you just help me find the…things…Please? –Dazzles her-

TDIB: -speechless- Er…Um…Ah…Hmmm…Yah…Sure…-Mindlessly picks out a couple of packets- She'll probably need those ones…-Stumbles wordlessly towards the ice-cream store-

Edward: -shakes head- I've should've done that earlier…

**Hehe…Yeah…**

**I don't really expect myself to actually write another story at the moment, as I already have enough trouble updating this one. Sorry…**

**I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year, and (if possible) their very own Edward Cullen or Jacob Black (or whoever you actually want). Just don't get preggo with a vampire's kid when you're 18, okay?**

**Next Chappie: Vampires and Fanfiction! **


	20. Chapter 20: Vampires and Fanfiction

**-Sigh- I know, I know…I haven't updated in AGES, and probably people have already forgotten. Thanks for being really patient though :)**

**I should also thank all those who had reviewed this story, even the ones who were unsigned. I've had a sudden increase of these, and I can't really thank them personally. **

**Anyway…ENJOY!**

**Warning: Deliberate spelling and grammar mistakes ahead. Read on if you dare, but don't sue me if your eyes start bleeding. You have been sufficiently warned…**

**Disclaimer: No, I do not own Twilight, Edward Cullen, lemons, or any form of porn. Full stop. **

Plot No. 15 – Vampires and Fanfiction!

_Setting – Bella's Bedroom, her House_

_Time – 11:12am, Saturday_

Bella: -talks to herself- Okay, you have a Calculus test on Tuesday, so you better start today…Right…Now…Yeah…-Takes large math booklet and tries to do first question- …Okay, too hard, skip it…-Moves on to another question- …Yeah, too hard as well…-Tries third question- So when _x_ equals 2_y_, then…Oh crap, I done it wrong…-Scans next couple of questions- …That's IT! I'm doing the English essay! –Turns on laptop, and somehow managed to get to Fanfiction- …Huh?

TDIB: -appears- Bella?! AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE STUDYING?!

Bella: -guiltily- I…er…um…-Minimises the window-

TDIB: -whacks laptop screen down and pushes maths notebook in front of her- Okay, do these questions!

Bella: -whines- What?! BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW!!!

TDIB: I'll help you then! –Smugly- I _am_ Asian, after all…

Bella: -mutters- Doesn't mean you're smart…

TDIB: Do you want my help or not?

Bella: -narrows eyes- The last time you tried to 'help' me, you pushed me off a fucking cliff!

TDIB: Yeah, but this is different! –Shoves pen into Bella's hand- Now do it!

Bella: -protests- What are you, my mum?!

TDIB: -grins- Think of me as the Asian mother you never had. –Throws white-out at Bella- NOW DO THESE QUESTIONS!!! –Flips through the booklet- …Dude, this is shit EASY!

Bella: -sarcastically- Gee, thanks for making me feel better…

-Meanwhile…-

_Setting – Emmett's/Rose's Bedroom, Cullen House_

_Time – 11:14 am, Saturday_

Emmett: -sigh- So bored…And horny…But Rose is out shopping with Alice…-Googles his own name- …Woah! One million hits!!! Sweet…-After clicking on a couple of links- …What's 'Fanfiction'?

-Couple of hours later…-

Rose: -enters bedroom- Em, sweetie, I'm home!

Emmett: -dry sobs- Rose! The computer's broken!!!

TDIB: -hides machete behind her back- Yeah…Nothing to do with me…-Disappears-

Rose: -fiddles with broken parts- Um…What did you do?

Emmett: It wasn't me! I swear, it's that human bitch…What's her face…Something is breaking…

TDIB: -appears screaming- THE DAWN IS BREAKING!!! GET IT RIGHT!!! –Bangs machete on Emmett, but the blade breaks off- Um…Oh shit… -Disappears-

Rose: …You got owned by a _human_?!

Emmett: -whines- Not my fault! She tricked me!!!

Rose: HOW?!

Emmett: -awkwardly- …Ah…Well…

Alice: -runs in- She threw a copy of _Playboy_ out the back window and told him to fetch…

TDIB: -appears again- Well, isn't he a good boy? –Pats Emmett on the head- You are a good boy! –Pinches his cheeks- Yes you are! Yes you are!

Emmett: -pushes TDIB away- I want my LAPTOP!!!

Rose: -tries to calm Emmett down- Don't worry, we'll get you the iPad, okay?

Emmett: -ignores Rose- It sucks 'cause I can't surf the net for porn anymore!

Rose: …

Alice: -gasp-

TDIB: -looks around- Oh come ON! Is it REALLY that surprising?!

Rose/Alice: -in unison- …No…

Jasper: -runs in- Sorry, I just heard the word 'porn' and- WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THE COMPUTER?!

TDIB: -sheepishly- Ehehehe…Yeah…-Disappears-

Jasper: -gasp- NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Don't tell me that I can't update my Facebook profile anymore!

Alice: -comforts him as he dry sobs- It's okay sweetie…You can use your iPhone…

-Back at Bella's house…-

Bella: -whines- Can't I have a break? I'm hungry!

TDIB: -glares- You only did two questions. And they're the easy ones.

Bella: B-b-but…I hate Maths! –Checks laptop- Oooh, Jacob gave me an email!

TDIB: -exaggerated slow motion- NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! –Slams laptop lid down- DO YOUR WORK!

Bella: Hey! Easy! I haven't backed up my stuff yet! –Reads Jacob's email- Oh, he sent me a link!

TDIB: -while marking Bella's answers- It's porn, isn't it?

Bella: -dramatic sigh- He's not Emmett, okay? Jake's not interested in those things…

TDIB: -mutters- Well, you never thought he would have a crush on you, did you? And look where THAT went…

Bella: -blushes- No, seriously! He doesn't like porn!

TDIB: Dude, he's a hormonal teenage boy! He has needs!

Bella: -reads email- _Bella, looks like I'm not the only one who thinks we should get together…_ What? –Clicks link-

TDIB: -looks over Bella's shoulder- Oh, that bastard…-Sees link- No…NOT FANFICTION!!!

-Couple of minutes later…-

TDIB: -whimpers in the corner- I'm mentally scarred for life…And I've seen Hosalie and Emmett going at it in the bathroom…

Bella: -blushes- Oh Jesus…That's…Well…

TDIB: -shakes head- Of all the lemons I have to read, it has to be you and Jake by La Push…-Shudders-

Bella: Geez…There's stuff like that on the Internet?!

TDIB: Shit yeah…Welcome to the world of Fanfiction…Pity your first experience of it has to be a lemon…

Bella: -nods weakly- Thank you for your sympathy…

-Meanwhile, back at the Cullen House-

Edward: -opens up his email account- _Hey bloodsucker, I'm not the only one who thinks I'm better for Bella…In more ways than one…_ What? –Opens up link-

TDIB: -appears- Edward! My eyes are soiled! Please comfort me! –Lunges at him, but misses and hits her chin on the arm rest-

Edward: -glares- Get the hell away! That mutt Jacob just gave me an email!

TDIB: -rubs chin- He did? –Checks link- Oh no fucking WAY! It's porn! It's porn!

Edward: …

TDIB: Serious! It's pornography of the worst kind! BAD FOR YOU _AND_ ME!

Edward: …

TDIB: I MEAN IT!!! IT'S BLOODY FUCKING PORN!!!

Edward: …And how do you know?

TDIB: Erm, Jacob sent it to Bella as well…Now she's whimpering in the deep dark recesses of her wardrobe.

Edward: -glares at computer screen- That stupid mutt…Is it really that bad?

TDIB: Dude, she's, like, curled up in a foetal position and rocking herself to sleep! Considering the fact that she hangs out with BOTH vampires and werewolves…

Edward: -sigh- I'll go comfort her then…

TDIB: -beams- Yay! –Tries to tug him away- Make her come out of the closet, okay? –Pauses- …Oh wait…

Edward: -glares-

TDIB: Um…Sorry…

Edward: -pulls arm back- I'll just check the link first…

TDIB: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Please don't!

Edward: -opens link- Geez, it's just writing on a page! It won't have any effect! –Dazzles her- Trust me…

TDIB: Gah…uh…ah…erm…yah…a…right…-Disappears-

Edward: -reads for a couple of minutes- …Oh God! Bella and Jacob KISSING?! –Sigh- At least _she_ knows what's good for her…They stumbled towards the bedroom…Maybe he also watches her sleep every night…THEY START TAKING EACH OTHERS' CLOTHES _OFF_?! Jacob, okay, but not my sweet BELLA!!!

TDIB: -appears- It gets worse…Or better…Depends on your mindset…

Edward: -grits teeth- That's IT! –Slams laptop lid down, but breaks both the computer and desk- I am going to KILL that bastard!

TDIB: -nods- Agreed! –Takes out new machete- I'll help!

Edward: I'm going to whack the living fuckness out of his fat head!

TDIB: That's the spirit, sister!

Edward: I'm going to snap his stinking spine into an infinite amount of pieces!

TDIB: -crows- All RIGHT!

Edward: And I'm going to smash his testicles so he won't do that to Bella in real life!

TDIB: …

Edward: -looks at her- What?

TDIB: -sighs- Wow…You really are perfect! –Tries to hug him, but he runs off towards Bella's house- Wait up, perfect one! Don't leave me!!! –Chases after him-

-15 minutes later, in Jacob's house-

TDIB: -appears- All right Jacob, you bastard! I've got a machete, and I'm not afraid to use it!

Billy: -while drinking and watching NBA with Charlie- He's in his bedroom again…

Charlie: -in a trance- Yeah…Go away, you're disturbing us…

TDIB: -shrugs- Eh, suit yourself…

-In Jacob's room-

Jacob: -tries to make an account on Fanfiction- Awww damn! 'JacobIsHot' has already been taken! –Types in new name- …What? 'JacobBlackIsHot' as well?! –Grins- Looks like I'm not the only one who thinks _I'm_ sexy…

TDIB: -bursts into his bedroom wielding a machete- Please don't tell me you just said THAT…

Jacob: -glares- You again?! What's the fuck is your problem?!

TDIB: Dude, Edward's trying to bring the site of Fanfiction down, I'm having a freaking headache from reading that link you sent, and Bella is refusing to come out of the closet!

Jacob: -nods- Well, that would explain why she reject someone as hot as me…

TDIB: -rolls eyes- The point is, it's your fault!

Jacob: -ignores her- Yes! I've got the most brilliant idea!

TDIB: -mutters- Oh shit…

Jacob: I'm going to write my own story!

TDIB: …Double shit…

Jacob: Seriously! It'll be the awesomest story EVER!

TDIB: …You do know that 'awesomest' is not actually a word, right?

Jacob: -screams- SHUT UP! –Opens up a word document-

TDIB: -looks over- I would stop you now, for the sake of the millions of fan girls out there…But I just want to see you fail and be flamed…

Jacob: -stares at her- …Flamed?

TDIB: -shrugs- It's bad…But can be hilarious…

Jacob: -gulps- Okay then…-Types- _Once upon a tym, theres a butyfull gorgous smexy grl named Izabela Mari Swan. She had long broun hair, sparklin chocolat eyes, purfect boobz an a nice ass. Unfortunatly, not only woz she lockd up in a tower by a abuzive trol caled Edword Cullan, hu raped her an fawced her 2 marry him, but she woz also fuly clothed. _

TDIB: -shakes head- And I thought 'TWILA, DA GIRL WHO WAS IN LUV W A VAMPIR' was bad…

Jacob: -continues on- _Soz along comz da tall, dark, hansom, sexy, hawt, dashin knite, Sir Jacob Black, ridin on a impresiv hawrse. He caled 2 da butyfull Bela 2 jump from da tower, as her ugly baztard huzban has ran of. She jumpd, cuz she could-int rezist hiz sexy husky voice. Da gr8 hansom Jacob caught her in hiz stron musclar armz whil stil on hawrsebak, an dey rode of 2getha in2 da sunset 2 get maried._ –Sits back and grins- There! My first masterpiece! It's good, isn't it?

TDIB: …

Jacob: I'll assume you're speechless because you're awed by my story! I'll start on the next chappie now! DA HONEYMOON!

TDIB: -shrieks- Oh GOD!

Jacob: -nods- Hmmm…I'll put that in the story as well…

TDIB: Gah!!! –Tries to kill off Jacob's computer, but he breaks the machete into two-

Jacob: -angrily- Not my work, bitch!

TDIB: -frustrated- Oh Jesus, I'm off! –Disappears-

Jacob: Good! I need to concentrate on Chapter 2. This might become a bestseller one day…

-Couple of minutes later…-

Jacob: -checks email- Ooh, someone sent me something! –Opens the file, but the computer immediately freezes, and shuts down- No…NO…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! –Tries to turn on computer, but to no avail- Oh not now! Not when I'm writing this!!!

-Meanwhile, back in Australia-

TDIB: -cackles- Maybe having a virus on the computer isn't THAT bad after all…

**Okay, sorry about the really bad spelling mistakes. Cyber cookies to everyone who could actually read that.**

**Considering that this is my last year of high school, I don't really have much time for updating this story. I am sorry, I know I should have done this last year, but I'm putting this story on hiatus, and will only update when I have the time. Do read other stuff on Fanfiction, 'cause I'm not the only one.**

**Next Chappie: Twilight/Harry Potter Crossovers! (Eventually...)**


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